Listless Lists: Favorite Urban Dictionary Terms

1. Alabama Hotpocket

2. Soup Kitchen

3. Arabian Goggles

4. Smashturbating

5. Jamaican Trombone

6. Alaskan Dragon

7. Main Line Mom

8. Swedish Periscope

9. Mississippi Birdbath

10. Tony Danza

11. Hairsuite

12. Oosting

Red-Light Drop-Off

I've posted on the subject of red-light cameras before, but that was well over a year ago and things have changed a bit. Previously, it was all about how cash-strapped municipalities seemed to install them largely just for revenue generating purposes and not out of safety concerns, and the potential backlash for doing so.

They've been popping up everywhere you look and like the airline industry's new revenue stream of charging endless baggage fees, red-light cameras appeared to be the suburban equivalent of a golden ticket to covering budget shortfalls.

But now it seems that red-light cameras are working in the way they were intended to; they are supposedly making streets and intersections safer. The number of ticket violations issued throughout the suburbs have decreased dramatically each following year, meaning that more and more people are abiding by the law when driving and/or not getting into accidents. 

Or maybe people have just become increasingly paranoid when approaching a designated red-light camera intersection; fear can be a powerful motivator. Regardless, with less and less tickets being issued to violators every year, that also means a decreased amount of money being generated. 

Towns that have red-light cameras installed are quickly finding out that the devices aren't the guaranteed cash cow they thought they were. Those places, especially like Bellwood, have seen their red-light camera revenue drop sharply from $1.1 million in 2008, to only $250,000 so far this year. It's a hard slap in the face that's most likely well deserved.

Bellwood isn't the only suburb in Illinois experiencing a massive revenue drop off, there are plenty of others in the Chicago area. But the main point here is that the cameras are appearing to make intersections safer, as they were intended to do, first and foremost.

Now all those cities and suburbs that thought they would milk the cameras for every penny they could are now facing reality and might just have to learn how to cope with the fact that their cameras, in the end, are going to do nothing more than make the roads a bit safer for us all.

Listless Lists: Jesus Died For Your Sins

1. DJ Jesus died for your spins

2. Carpenter Jesus died for your shims

3. Cyclist Jesus died for your Schwinn

4. Bowling Jesus died for your pins

5. Messy Eater Jesus died for your napkins

6. Alcoholic Jesus died for your gins

7. Nihilist Jesus died for nothing

8. Gamer Jesus died for your wins

9. Recycling Jesus died for your bins

10. Stradivarius Jesus died for your violins

11. Nazi Jesus died for Berlin

12. Jesus died for your sins...and then came back as a zombie to eat your brains!

70 Years of Shooting Your Eye Out

One of the most famous things about my favorite holiday movie, A Christmas Story, is the main character's desire to obtain an official Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle. 

Well that BB gun is real, sort of (more on that in a bit), and this year the iconic rifle turns 70 years old. It is the most popular BB gun in history, having sold over 9 million since its creation. Named after the late 1930s western comic strip character Red Ryder, the co-creator of the series eventually signed a licensing agreement with Daisy Outdoor Products.

It is still sold and manufactured today by that original company, and despite advocacy groups who protest and whine about how buying guns for children, especially toy versions, leads to gun violence, the air rifle continues to be a big seller regardless.

Part of its continued success can be attributed to a strong nostalgia factor that causes adults to buy one for themselves, and not just for their kids. And of course, being famously featured in a widely beloved Christmas movie doesn't hurt either.

Which brings me back to an earlier point; the exact version of the gun featured in the movie never really existed before. Jean Sheppard, who wrote the novel that the film was based on and is the film's narrator, incorrectly remembered the Red Ryder gun from his childhood as having a compass and sundial built in.

The company never actually made a Red Ryder BB gun with those features. Many assume that Jean Sheppard might have owned a Red Ryder as well as another model, the Buck Jones, which did actually have those features. Mr. Sheppard at some point must have molded the memory of those two different air rifles together at some point and gotten confused.

There was no convincing him that he was wrong though, not even the Daisy company could do it, and they should know more than anyone which guns had which features. Regardless, they custom made three Red Ryder BB guns to Sheppard's false memory specifications just for the film. The movie version of the gun was only sold to consumers for the first time in 1983 and 1984, around when the movie was theatrically released.

That version was only made and sold again for the film's 20th and 25th anniversaries. Outside of those few limited edition years, Daisy has continued to manufacture and sell the gun only in its original intended form, sans the compass and sundial.

With or without those features, it's clear that the Daisy-branded Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle has become one of the most iconic toys of all time. Now, pardon me while I go ping some ducks on the wing and get off some spectacular hip shots.

Source: Chicago Tribune

Electric Silence

There's no doubt that electric cars are the future of the automotive industry and will someday greatly outnumber, or make completely obsolete, gasoline powered cars. But did you know that they have a hidden danger that regular, gasoline cars don't possess? A danger so great that it has forced members of the U.S. government to take swift action to remedy the dire situation?

What is this unspeakable danger? Well, it seems that hybrids and pure electric vehicles are just too damn quiet. Seriously.That's it.

While most drivers, including myself, would warmly welcome a nearly silent vehicle to serenely drive in, there appears to be a few individuals in the U.S. Senate that say the silent quality is more of a deadly disadvantage than a pleasurable plus, especially when it comes to the subject of pedestrians.

Headed by John Kerry (yes, that John Kerry), the unanimously approved Pedestrian Safety Enhancement Act requires a "...minimum level of sound emitted from a motor vehicle that is necessary to provide blind and other pedestrians with the information needed to reasonably detect a nearby electric or hybrid vehicle operating at or below the cross-over speed."

So while electric vehicles manage to cut down on emitting harmful pollution into the air, they will now instead be adding to the ever growing amount of noise pollution. It's a whole other kind of pollution, but it's still pollution nonetheless.

I can see how having a silent vehicle can be a little perilous to some pedestrians, particularly those who don't pay attention to where they are walking while they check their cell phones, and or course the blind too, but last time I checked, electric cars still had a horn that can be honked. 

The responsibility of safety here is the same as it is with gasoline powered cars; it is equally up to both the driver and pedestrian to be aware of each other and to be alert within their surroundings. They can have electric vehicles make as much noise as they want, but in the long run, it won't make the roads more safer.

I find it largely hilarious though that the U.S. Senate was so eager to approve this Act and pass it on to the House of Representatives, that they failed to really specify necessary requirements. Yet to be determined are matters like how much sound an hybrid or electric vehicle must produce, at what speeds will it be required, and what specific type of noise must be produced.

Not to worry though, those simple questions will have determined answers after a 48 month long study that will be performed at a cost of probably a couple million dollars of tax payer money per month.

Listless Lists: Topics Discussed With My Barber

1. The weather

2. Performing the perfect crime

3. Business ethics

4. Some video on YouTube of a cat that farts and sneezes at the same time

5. Airport full body scanners

6. What the hell was going on in Inception

7. The current status of his pending murder trial

8. Urinary tract infections

9. Honeybees...

10. The latest episode of Burn Notice

11. How to fix the bad haircut he just gave me

Holiday Card Decline

Thanks again to technology and the ever expanding influence of all things in the digital world, the tradition of sending a yearly Christmas card to others is fading from, or is already lost on, my generation and those that are younger still.

The practice feels archaic and comes off as a pointless waste of time, what with having to buy pre-printed cards, address them, spend more money on postage, and then mail them all out. 

There are so many other quicker, easier, and cost effective ways to communicate with one another these days. Through things like email, cell phones, and social networking sites like Facebook, people can easily stay in touch with others year round. For young adults like myself, that basically makes the year-end holiday card, with an included letter of narcissistic showboating, unnecessary and obsolete.

Holiday greeting card sales have experienced very slow growth since 2005, and declined for the first time in 2009. Still, at least 1.5 billion cards are expected to be mailed this holiday season and those that are keeping the greeting card industry alive are obviously those of the older generations.

At least 51% of adults aged 45-54 bought Christmas cards last year, followed by 49% of 55-64 year olds, and 46% of those aged 65 and older. The age group that bought the least amount of cards was the one that I'm included in, the 25-34 year old bracket, with only 38%.

About 45% of 18-24 year olds bought cards, but I have a feeling that their number is higher than my group only because they're still young and under the influence of their parents, who still force their traditions onto their kids and make them buy and send greeting cards no matter how much they protest against it.

Regardless, the evidence of decline is apparent and the greeting card companies know it. That's why they desperately try to grab the attention of younger consumers by selling hi-tech cards that have computer chips in them to play music, or to record a personal greeting with.

American Greetings is even selling a holiday card now that comes with a small LCD screen built in that can display a personal photo slideshow. Digital photos can be uploaded to and downloaded from the card at will via a typical USB port.

To me, this product doesn't make much sense when you can still just upload pictures straight onto a photo-sharing website or directly email them...both of which don't cost a thing and still get transmitted to the recipient faster.

Though, I applaud the greeting card companies for at least trying to keep their antiquated product still relevant, even if it is obvious that they're trying too hard and ultimately failing. 

Source: Chicago Tribune

Listless Lists: Hey, You Got A Minute?

1. For you? I've got five.

2. Sure, as long as you have a $20 bill.

3. Well, I guess my hand can bleed excessively for a little while longer...

4. Obviously, you can't see how busy I am right now.

5. It's gonna take me longer than a minute to get it up.

6. A minute? A minute to win it? No, I don't.

7. I do if the bomb's fuse is long enough.

8. You have until my Hotpocket is done being microwaved.

9. Only one? I thought we had at least 4 minutes to save the world...

10. Yea, just keep talking. I'll multitask while taking a shit.

11. It depends, is that gun loaded?

12. Yea, but I need at least 7 minutes for an ab workout.

Rethink Service

Surprise! Surprise! Not even the almighty iPhone could save AT&T from being ranked dead last and slapped with the title of "The Worst Cell Phone Carrier" in the United States.

Consumer Reports, that highly respected consumer magazine and definitive source for product and service reviews, just released the results of this year's cell phone carrier satisfaction survey, and it's obvious that consumers are not at all happy with AT&T's performance as of late.

The only major cell carrier to drop significantly in overall satisfaction from the previous year, AT&T obtained the overall lowest score by receiving the worst possible rating in eight of the nine categories studied by Consumer Reports. Some of which includes poor overall value, sub par voice service, abysmal data service, and pathetic customer service. 

More than half of the AT&T customers surveyed own an iPhone (AT&T sells other phones?) and that they were greatly less satisfied with the nation's second largest cell carrier than other smartphone users were with their carriers. Though, iPhone users were most critical of AT&T's data service, which makes sense because most iPhone users are massive data whores.

And as if this latest poor performance review wasn't bad enough, you can tack on to AT&T's growing list of problems the fact that they are about to lose exclusivity rights to the iPhone at the end of this year.

Verizon is expected to start selling the iPhone as well in the beginning of 2011, and being the nation's largest cell phone carrier, it has also consistently been at the top of the majority of categories every year in the Consumer Reports survey. That could cause herds of iPhone-using sheep to leave AT&T quickly, resulting in further devastation.

Many people forget, though, that a smartphone is only as good as the service provided to it. While the iPhone is theoretically a phenomenal device, it's nothing without superb cellular and data service to match its capabilities. 

The phone might as well be an expensive paperweight with a retina display while on AT&T's network, but on Verizon, it might finally be able to live up to its promised, full potential.

Listless Lists: Random Thoughts of The Day

1. Jesus! That's a lot of blood.

2. Ugh, not again. Get away from my car, you homeless degenerate.

3. I wonder if Ricardo Montalban is still alive.

4. Maybe she was right about the meat being rancid.

5. Wait a minute...how did I take off my underwear without taking off my pants first?

6. Shut up stomach, or I'll tear you out and show you what's what!

7. I bet being stabbed hurts a great deal.

8. Mmm, I can almost taste all 23 flavors.

9. Why can't I concentrate? Could I be pregnant!?

10. Fuck off, Assclown.

11. I bet I could fit my whole fist in there.