1. Wallets were first used by the Romans, who carried around in them their
money and papers in order to show off their status in public
2. Apart from humans and monkeys, pandas are the only other mammal that can
give high fives
3. "Orgasm" comes from the Latin word meaning "to sneeze from your genitals"
4. Wild turkeys contain so much tryptophan in their systems that they are all
narcoleptic by nature
5. Human blood is blue, but turns red once it comes into contact with air
6. When a male is struck by lightning, it is not unusual for the shock to cause
involuntarily ejaculation
7. The Third Reich adopted the eagle as a national symbol due to Hitler's
obsession with falconry
8. Whenever a hen lays an egg, it will face either east or west depending on the
time of day
9. The endorphins released in the brain during sex are equal to doing one hit of
ecstasy
10. Infant rattlesnakes are more dangerous than adults, since they cannot
control the amount of venom they release
11. There is no medical term to describe the area that is the back of one's knee
12. 39.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Take A Leap
Tomorrow is February 29th, or as some call it Leap Day, a day in which you can do anything and it won't count negatively against you. It theoretically occurs every four years, making those years in which it occurs understandably called a Leap Year. It's all done in order to keep our calendars in sync with Earth's physical orbit around the Sun.
While our calendar in a normal year consists of 365 days, a complete revolution around the Sun in fact takes closer to 365 days and 6 hours. Every four years, when the total of missed hours equals 24, we simply add an extra day to the calendar to make up for it.
Although, even that number is inaccurate, since it is rounded up for ease of use. One revolution around the Sun is more precisely 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, and 16 seconds. To compensate for this fact, an end-of-the-century year is not considered to be a leap year unless it is also exactly divisible by 400.
The concept of having a leap day was first introduced in 45 BC when Julius Caesar reformed the Roman Calendar and added a total of 10 extra days to the year. The reform was brought about in order to approximate themselves with the solar year, which is based on the Sun and the seasons experienced on Earth.
Therefore, two extra days were added to January, August, and December, while one extra day was added to April, June, September and November. February remained unchanged and stayed at 28 days, which was a traditional month length at the time.
But the Julian calendar is not what we use today; it was reformed again in 1582 by Pope Gregory XIII and that is why what we actually use today is called the Gregorian calendar. The Gregorian reform was enacted because the Julian calendar's arrangement of counting one year as 365 days and 6 hours, with a leap day every 4 years, allowed for us to gain 3 days every 400 years and throw us off our astronomical alignment, effectively screwing up the timing of the seasons.
For the Gregorian calendar, this error was figured out and a year was shortened by 11 minutes to the more accurate 365 days, 5 hours, and 49 minutes. Because of that change, it was proposed that the number of leap years in four centuries be reduced from 100 to 97, instead of occurring every 4 years no matter what.
Thus is why now, with our Gregorian calendars, we follow this rule: "Every year that is exactly divisible by four is a leap year, except for years that are exactly divisible by 100; the centurial years that are exactly divisible by 400 are still leap years." For example, the year 1900 is not a leap year; the year 2000 is.
So in the long run then, a leap year won't actually occur every four years. Since most of us don't live long enough, or aren't lucky enough to exist during a centurial year not divisible by 400, most will never experience the rule's exception in skipping a leap year.
It's just easier to say that a leap year simply happens every four years, instead of going into a lengthy explanation like I just have. Regardless, no calendar will ever be perfectly accurate, as there are cosmic forces always effecting the amount of time it takes Earth to complete a revolution around the Sun.
While our calendar in a normal year consists of 365 days, a complete revolution around the Sun in fact takes closer to 365 days and 6 hours. Every four years, when the total of missed hours equals 24, we simply add an extra day to the calendar to make up for it.
Although, even that number is inaccurate, since it is rounded up for ease of use. One revolution around the Sun is more precisely 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, and 16 seconds. To compensate for this fact, an end-of-the-century year is not considered to be a leap year unless it is also exactly divisible by 400.
The concept of having a leap day was first introduced in 45 BC when Julius Caesar reformed the Roman Calendar and added a total of 10 extra days to the year. The reform was brought about in order to approximate themselves with the solar year, which is based on the Sun and the seasons experienced on Earth.
Therefore, two extra days were added to January, August, and December, while one extra day was added to April, June, September and November. February remained unchanged and stayed at 28 days, which was a traditional month length at the time.
But the Julian calendar is not what we use today; it was reformed again in 1582 by Pope Gregory XIII and that is why what we actually use today is called the Gregorian calendar. The Gregorian reform was enacted because the Julian calendar's arrangement of counting one year as 365 days and 6 hours, with a leap day every 4 years, allowed for us to gain 3 days every 400 years and throw us off our astronomical alignment, effectively screwing up the timing of the seasons.
For the Gregorian calendar, this error was figured out and a year was shortened by 11 minutes to the more accurate 365 days, 5 hours, and 49 minutes. Because of that change, it was proposed that the number of leap years in four centuries be reduced from 100 to 97, instead of occurring every 4 years no matter what.
Thus is why now, with our Gregorian calendars, we follow this rule: "Every year that is exactly divisible by four is a leap year, except for years that are exactly divisible by 100; the centurial years that are exactly divisible by 400 are still leap years." For example, the year 1900 is not a leap year; the year 2000 is.
So in the long run then, a leap year won't actually occur every four years. Since most of us don't live long enough, or aren't lucky enough to exist during a centurial year not divisible by 400, most will never experience the rule's exception in skipping a leap year.
It's just easier to say that a leap year simply happens every four years, instead of going into a lengthy explanation like I just have. Regardless, no calendar will ever be perfectly accurate, as there are cosmic forces always effecting the amount of time it takes Earth to complete a revolution around the Sun.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The 84th Academy Awards
Maybe it was the effects of the alcohol I had throughout watching the show this year, or maybe it was the skillful hosting of Billy Crystal that made the relatively short (at least in terms of Oscar telecasts) program seem to enjoyably speed along.
This year's telecast length of 3 hours, 14 minutes was the shortest it's been since 2005 and although it was only shorter than last year's program by one minute, it seemed much more quicker and succinct in the hands of a talented and experienced host such as Crystal, compared to last year's desperate debacle to appeal to a younger audience by having James Franco and Anne Hathaway share hosting duties.
Still, much like my blog posts, the telecast could have been shortened by cutting out some useless filler, such as the talking head interviews with other Hollywood stars reminiscing on their personal movie memories, or the absolutely pointless Cirque du Soleil's supposed "tribute" to film.
Also, what was with that annoying metallic/digital feedback sound in the background throughout the entire Oscar telecast? It obviously had something to do with the microphone and audio setup of the show, for it was only apparent when people on stage were speaking and many others on the Internet have express experiencing the same effect while watching the show.
I found it strange that there wasn't the traditional orchestra down in front of the stage to play award winners off, but instead there was only a handful of people playing various instruments up in one of the balconies. Was the orchestra for the Academy Awards normally financed by Kodak or something, since the show takes/took place in the Kodak Theater? Kodak, who recently filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy, which was humorously referenced many times during the telecast, probably couldn't afford to provide a full orchestra this year.
In general, all those who won awards were pretty much expected to. There were no huge upsets or disappointments, with maybe the exception of Meryl Streep for Best Actress. It was hardly her best role or the best performance by an actress last year. However, since the Academy had already fulfilled their "at least one winner must be African-American" quota with Octavia Spencer for The Help, that pretty much cemented the fact that the more deserving Viola Davis wouldn't win over Streep.
The top awards were dominated by the French, thanks to the golden era Hollywood homage that is The Artist. The French haven't been this successful since...well, since forever. I can't remember a time when they haven't retreated or surrendered from something.
Other highlights of the night: Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) from the TV show Community winning an Oscar for being part of the screenwriting team for The Descendants, Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell's cymbal wielding routine, the adorable Emma Stone's over-excited presentation, anything that had Melissa McCarthy in it and the cast of Bridesmaids, and Angelina Jolie looking like an anorexic sack of bones, proudly displaying through the slit in her dress the only part of her left that has any meat on it, her right leg.
And of course, there was the banned Sacha Baron Cohen in his dictator character on the red carpet, greatly upsetting the pompous douchebag that is Ryan Seacrest.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Listless Lists: Excuses For Being Late To Work
1. Received surprise morning blowjob
2. Slipped in shower, knocked self out, woke up in pool of blood
3. The usual...bad traffic, caught by a train, had hangover, etc.
4. Experienced sudden bout of explosive diarrhea
5. Don't get paid by the hour, so no real motivation to show up on time
6. Accidentally ran over pedestrian, had to dispose of the body
7. Had unexpected nose bleed from morning cocaine hit
8. Woke up with temporary blindness due to low blood sugar
9. Was too sad, for about an hour, after eating a fiber bar for breakfast
10. Pulled over by the cops, apparently fit the description of a criminal on the loose
11. Left testicle retracted up into body, took a while to "milk" it safely back down
2. Slipped in shower, knocked self out, woke up in pool of blood
3. The usual...bad traffic, caught by a train, had hangover, etc.
4. Experienced sudden bout of explosive diarrhea
5. Don't get paid by the hour, so no real motivation to show up on time
6. Accidentally ran over pedestrian, had to dispose of the body
7. Had unexpected nose bleed from morning cocaine hit
8. Woke up with temporary blindness due to low blood sugar
9. Was too sad, for about an hour, after eating a fiber bar for breakfast
10. Pulled over by the cops, apparently fit the description of a criminal on the loose
11. Left testicle retracted up into body, took a while to "milk" it safely back down
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Paczki Day
To those of us with Polish heritage, like myself, Fat Tuesday mostly means one thing...paczki invasion!
Paczki (pronounced "poonch-key") are doughnut-like pastries that are extremely fatty and have a sweet jelly, or fruit filling inside. In Poland, where the tradition obviously originated from, they are consumed on the Thursday before Ash Wednesday. Here in the U.S. they are instead typically eaten on the Tuesday prior to Ash Wednesday, for whatever reason.
The tradition of eating these tasty treats around this time of the year comes from the desire to use up all the lard, sugar, eggs, and fruit in one's house before Lent began, as these ingredients were originally forbidden during the fasting period and would be nothing more than a temptation of the devil if left around.
Of course, over time, someone figured out that these treats could be marketed outside of the home and that there was much money to be made off of them, thus the reason why they are such a big commercialized item today. And while they are generally available to purchase throughout the entire year, they are especially bought and consumed on Fat Tuesday in major cities across the U.S. with large Polish populations, like here in Chicago.
So consume as much paczki as you can today, and if any of you fatty religious people have any leftovers come tomorrow, please send 'em my way. I have no qualms about eating them, or any other food for that matter, during Lent.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Listless Lists: Should I Be Worried?
1. Only if it doesn't stop bleeding
2. It depends, how fast is the rash growing?
3. Yes! Run for you life! There's a huge shit cloud coming!
4. Yeah, I would definitely get myself tested if I were you
5. I'm pretty sure there were no witnesses
6. Once the virus mutates and becomes airborne, yes
7. Sure, I guess...I mean, I don't really know, nor do I care
8. Not yet. Let me light the fuse first and then we'll see
9. If the zombie didn't bite you or break the skin, I'm sure you'll be fine
10. Well let me ask you this: do midgets in general frighten you?
11. Depends on if those brownies had nuts in them or not
12. Dear God, the radioactive cores are overheating! We're doomed!
2. It depends, how fast is the rash growing?
3. Yes! Run for you life! There's a huge shit cloud coming!
4. Yeah, I would definitely get myself tested if I were you
5. I'm pretty sure there were no witnesses
6. Once the virus mutates and becomes airborne, yes
7. Sure, I guess...I mean, I don't really know, nor do I care
8. Not yet. Let me light the fuse first and then we'll see
9. If the zombie didn't bite you or break the skin, I'm sure you'll be fine
10. Well let me ask you this: do midgets in general frighten you?
11. Depends on if those brownies had nuts in them or not
12. Dear God, the radioactive cores are overheating! We're doomed!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
V-Day
So today is Valentine's Day, the day when those in loving relationships are told that they have to shower each other with special gifts and have a fancy dinner and partake in obligatory sex. Personally, I like to refer to the "holiday" as just being an over-commercialized waste of time and money.
No, I don't say that because I'm bitter and single on this day; I say it because it's true. Even if I was in a relationship, I still wouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day and I would hope that whomever I am with at the time would share the same attitude.
Just like how New Year's is used as an excuse for unmotivated people to attempt to change something in their lives, Valentine's Day is just an excuse for material-mined people to show someone how much they love them. If you truly love someone, you shouldn't need a holiday as a reason to show that person your love; expressing affection is something that should be constantly done, regardless of the day.
Valentine's Day is like a mini-Christmas; both have been commercialized so much that the actually meaning of the holiday has been lost. Valentine's Day was originally meant as a day to observe and honor multiple Christian saints, or martyrs, named Valentinus and was first established back in 496 AD. Of course, who wants to celebrate some lame religious guys not named Jesus? So over time, starting around the 15th century, it somehow evolved into becoming more about celebrating one's affection for another.
Today, thanks mainly to Hallmark, Valentine's Day is marketed and forced down everyone's throat because retail stores need a reason to make a decent profit between post-Christmas and Easter. Since it's kind of impossible to market Martin Luther King Jr. Day or Presidents' Day as big spending events, Valentine's Day is an easy choice and it gets all the focus.
I'm not saying one shouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day with a significant other, I'm just saying that you shouldn't feel pressured into do something extra special or waste additional money buying meaningless gifts because the media and retail stores tell you that you should. And to those of us that are single on Valentine's Day; the world tries to convince us that we should feel like losers and sad that we're all alone. But really, how is not being in a relationship today different than the day before or any other day that we were alone? It's not. So don't feel extra depressed today because they say you should.
Today should be treated just like any other day, coupled or single.
No, I don't say that because I'm bitter and single on this day; I say it because it's true. Even if I was in a relationship, I still wouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day and I would hope that whomever I am with at the time would share the same attitude.
Just like how New Year's is used as an excuse for unmotivated people to attempt to change something in their lives, Valentine's Day is just an excuse for material-mined people to show someone how much they love them. If you truly love someone, you shouldn't need a holiday as a reason to show that person your love; expressing affection is something that should be constantly done, regardless of the day.
Valentine's Day is like a mini-Christmas; both have been commercialized so much that the actually meaning of the holiday has been lost. Valentine's Day was originally meant as a day to observe and honor multiple Christian saints, or martyrs, named Valentinus and was first established back in 496 AD. Of course, who wants to celebrate some lame religious guys not named Jesus? So over time, starting around the 15th century, it somehow evolved into becoming more about celebrating one's affection for another.
Today, thanks mainly to Hallmark, Valentine's Day is marketed and forced down everyone's throat because retail stores need a reason to make a decent profit between post-Christmas and Easter. Since it's kind of impossible to market Martin Luther King Jr. Day or Presidents' Day as big spending events, Valentine's Day is an easy choice and it gets all the focus.
I'm not saying one shouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day with a significant other, I'm just saying that you shouldn't feel pressured into do something extra special or waste additional money buying meaningless gifts because the media and retail stores tell you that you should. And to those of us that are single on Valentine's Day; the world tries to convince us that we should feel like losers and sad that we're all alone. But really, how is not being in a relationship today different than the day before or any other day that we were alone? It's not. So don't feel extra depressed today because they say you should.
Today should be treated just like any other day, coupled or single.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Listless Lists: Reasons For Getting Up In The Morning
1. The overwhelming urge to urinate
2. Because society says I have to go to work
3. The scent of sizzling bacon
4. Well, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning...
5. Bedbugs
6. Internet porn
7. To shut up that fucking cat that won't stop meowing
8. Left the blinds open and the sunlight is too bright
9. Need to check on the person I have tied up in the cellar
10. The girlfriend promised morning sex
11. Someone pooped the bed
12. Must enact revenge
2. Because society says I have to go to work
3. The scent of sizzling bacon
4. Well, you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning...
5. Bedbugs
6. Internet porn
7. To shut up that fucking cat that won't stop meowing
8. Left the blinds open and the sunlight is too bright
9. Need to check on the person I have tied up in the cellar
10. The girlfriend promised morning sex
11. Someone pooped the bed
12. Must enact revenge
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Listless Lists: Other Terms For Sex
1. Le sexytime
2. Locking crotches and swapping gravy
3. Pop-pop
4. Bumping uglies
5. Contractual obligation
6. Porking
7. Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town
8. Coitus
9. Fapping
10. Dishonorable discharge
11. The ole in-out
12. Hittin' it like a deaf drummer
13. Mommy/Daddy wrestling
14. That'll be $300
2. Locking crotches and swapping gravy
3. Pop-pop
4. Bumping uglies
5. Contractual obligation
6. Porking
7. Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town
8. Coitus
9. Fapping
10. Dishonorable discharge
11. The ole in-out
12. Hittin' it like a deaf drummer
13. Mommy/Daddy wrestling
14. That'll be $300
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