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Listless Lists: Other Terms For Sex

2012-02-01T11:25:00.000-06:00

1. Le sexytime
2. Locking crotches and swapping gravy
3. Pop-pop
4. Bumping uglies
5. Contractual obligation
6. Porking
7. Parking the beef bus in Tuna Town
8. Coitus
9. Fapping
10. Dishonorable discharge
11. The ole in-out
12. Hittin' it like a deaf drummer
13. Mommy/Daddy wrestling
14. That'll be $300

You Hate Me, You Really Hate Me

2012-01-28T13:46:00.000-06:00

Let's be honest, 2011 was a year filled with an overwhelming amount of mediocre films, more than usual. On the whole, they were bad enough that year end box office totals were more than $1 billion less than what was earned the previous year in 2010. Though, if you really want a good, overall feel of how terrible the quality of films released in 2011 were, just look at the list of recently announced Oscar nominations.

Yes, every year I discuss the Oscars nominations and eventual winners, and every year I bitch about anything and everything surrounding the self-congratulatory circus. This year shall be no different.

Since the Academy likes to change the rules for the Best Picture category as often as Zsa Zsa Gabor changed husbands, this year they again altered the rules so that there could be anywhere from 5-10 total films to receive the top nomination. You'd think after a year this pathetic, there would barely be 5 qualifying films. But lo and behold, despite the unprecedented levels of mediocrity, the Academy still believed at least 9 films were deserving of a Best Picture nomination!

In my opinion, you can immediately cut from the Best Picture category the utterly dull Midnight In Paris, the completely forgettable War Horse, the nonsensical and pretentious Tree of Life, and the critcally panned (47% rating on Rotten Tomatoes) emotional guilt trip that is Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

So, cut those 4 films and that leaves only 5 true nominations, The Artist, The Descendants, The Help, Hugo, and Moneyball. The Artist will easily win Best Picture and Director, not only because it actually is a fantastic film in all the right ways and truly deserves the top honors, but also because it's the type of nostalgic love letter to Hollywood's golden days that would make any Academy voter immediately cream their pants.

Best Actor will most likely go to Frenchman Jean Dujardin for The Artist; his only real competition is George Clooney in The Descendants. Supporting Actor will go to Christopher Plummer in Beginners, although it should really go to Albert Brooks in Drive, who was completely snubbed of a nomination. His well deserving slot instead went to the foul-mouthed (former) fatty best known from Superbad, Jonah Hill.

Speaking of Drive, I felt that that was more than worthy of a Best Picture nomination as well; it was a fantastic sleeper film that got shafted big time. Not just Albert Brooks but also Ryan Gosling...he gave two fantastic performances this year (the other being The Ides of March) and wasn't nominated for either.

Best Actress is a toss up for me; I'm not quite sure yet. It'll either be Meryl Steep (who gets nominated every damn year) for The Iron Lady or Viola Davis for The Help. Supporting actress will definitely go to one of two women from The Help, either Jessica Chastain or Octavia Spencer.

Adapted Sceenplay will go to The Descendats, although it's a shame The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo wasn't nominated at all. Original Screenplay either be The Artist or the whiney Woody Allen's Midnight In Paris.

I honesly have no clue on the Best Animated picture category because this is the first time since that category was created that a Pixar film hasn't been nominated. Makes sense though, because Cars 2 (as well as the first one) was a piece of garbage. Pixar's only missteps in an otherwise superb filmography.

Original Music Score will go to The Artist, because that whole film was all about the musical score; it's a virtually silent movie and the music accompanyment is everything.

The Original Song category is just a worthless piece of shit; only 2 films nominated!? How pathetic is that? That tells you two things; one, the Academy's rules for original songs is too strict and two, there weren't any good original songs from a movie last year. Honestly, what was the last original song from a motion picture anyone remembers? Sadly, it's "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic, and that migraine-inducing tune was over 10 years ago.

Other things to note: it's nice that Bridesmaids was nominated twice, but we all know that the Academy never favors comedies, especially one that was rated R, and the film will go away empty handed. No love for 50/50? I guess not, because the slot of dramatic/light-hearted comedy film went to The Help instead, and the Academy only has the stomach for one of those types of films each year.

And what about Tower Heist? I can't believe that didn't net a single nomination (/sarcasm).

Listless Lists: Why I Don't Donate Blood

2012-01-25T15:54:00.000-06:00

1. My doctor uses rusty needles

2. I want to be paid for my blood/don't get paid enough

3. Was exposed to Mad Cow Disease in Europe during the 1980s

4. Don't have any. Only ice runs through my veins

5. Iron deficiency

6. The sight of a needle makes me faint

7. Apparently they won't let you donate with a BAC of 0.3

8. Am occasionally anemic...

9. Too afraid of catching an STD from a contaminated needle

10. I'm just lazy

11. The cookies they give you afterward are insulting to my taste buds

12. No one else is worthy of having my superior blood

Deaf and Dumb

2012-01-23T13:21:00.001-06:00

Wearing headphones in public and blasting one's music loud enough that the sound reaches beyond your ears so that others can hear your horrible taste in music is not a new phenomenon, but the amount of pedestrians wearing headphones being killed due to their inattentiveness is.

Thanks to the marketplace dominance and popularity of the iPod, popping in a pair of ear buds and shutting out the rest of the world has become all too easy and common for many pedestrians. This has led to a growing number of unaware individuals that end up being injured or killed by a passing motor vehicle, or train, because some Rihanna song blasting in their ears was so distracting that it was impossible to remember to keep one's eyes open.

The online British journal, Injury Prevention, recently completed a study on headphone use and pedestrian injury and death in the U.S. between the years of 2004-2011. The study found the number of pedestrians severely injured or killed tripled over just the last six years and grew from 16 total cases in 2004 to 116 last year.

Covering iPods, other mp3 players, and miscellaneous musical devices (guess some were hipsters using a Walkman), the study showed that 68% of pedestrians involved were male, 67% were under the age of 30, and 55% were struck by a train. 29% of the cases reported a warning was definitely sounded (car/train horn) before the crash.

I can understand if one doesn't hear a blaring horn due to some asinine rap song that was being pumped into their brain, because I myself even have a hard time hearing police sirens over my car's stereo when driving. But I find it hard to comprehend how a pedestrian, with headphones on, can't feel the ground rumblings of an oncoming train or even see it barreling down towards them. Trains are not small, light traveling objects; just because your ears are preoccupied doesn't mean your eyes are too.

My conclusion after reading the conclusion of this study is that thanks to portable music devices, the average pedestrian is becoming stupider and more inattentive than ever. In my opinion, it takes a special kind of headphone-wearing moron to not pay attention with their eyes and look both ways when crossing a street or set of train tracks. Shit, if a naturally-born deaf person can navigate crossing streets safely, then there is no reason why others wearing headphones can't do the same.

I would love to see this study expanded into researching the IQ level of the pedestrians involved in these incidents and to explore this hypothesis; is constantly wearing headphones making pedestrians more stupid?

Yes. That, and attempting to contemplate the deep lyrical content of a LMFAO song while walking to work.

Listless Lists: More Odd WiFi Router Names

2012-01-18T12:53:00.001-06:00

1. Apt_3d_needs_to_shut_the_fuck_up
2. 8===========D
3. Icanhearyoumasturbating
4. Chortle Tortle
5. DANGER VIRUS FOUND
6. Rim Lipstick
7. GottaBadassOverHurr
8. sickly pickle 47
9. Encrypted_For_Her_Pleasure
10. MooseKnuckles
11. Password is Password
12. pretty fly for a WiFi
13. b( . )( . )bies
14. IJustBlueMyself
15. router? i hardly even know her

A Little Sweet And Simple Numbing Me

2012-01-13T19:17:00.000-06:00

There was always two things I hated about going out to most bars; the people who smoked, and the unnecessarily loud music. Fortunately, since it became illegal to smoke indoors a few years back, that part of the problem has been solved; however, the blaring music form The Church of Bad Taste still remains.

I've often wondered why most bars play their music so loud; does the general consensus of bar patrons actually prefer this type of audio assault atmosphere? Are people actually requesting the music be at such a high volume so they can't hear their own depressing thoughts? Maybe most bar owners do it for the hell of it, just to be a bunch of dicks.

Well, there might actually be a reason behind it. According to a study performed by psychologist Dr. Lorenzo Stafford at the University of Portsmouth in the UK, loud music makes people want to drink more alcohol and at a faster rate.

The study focused on how music alters the taste of alcohol in 80 subjects between the ages of 18 and 28, which I guess is the age group that consumes the most alcohol/goes out most often to bars, at least in the UK that is. Drinks were then rated on their level of bitterness or sweetness, by the subjects, while music was played in the background at varying volume levels.

The conclusion was that the louder the music, the more the participants found their drinks to taste sweeter, and since people prefer sweetness over bitterness, this made them want to drink more alcohol.

It's not the most scientific study, in fact it's hardly scientific, but there just might be some actual truth to it. I wouldn't be surprised if most bar owners recognize that there is indeed some uncanny type of correlation between their loud music and the amount of alcohol they sell and ingeniously exploit that connection in order to make a hefty profit. It's all a conspiracy, I say!

And since louder music supposedly begets more drinking, and more drinking always leads to poor judgment, it would then make sense why someone would think it to be a good idea to play $7 worth of Hoobastank on the jukebox.

Source: AV Club

Listless Lists: Things Crossing Guards Do Instead of Helping People Cross The Street

2012-01-11T16:09:00.000-06:00

1. Stand around, talk to each other, and ignore all pedestrians

2. Fall asleep in a lawn chair

3. Sit in their car to stay warm during the winter and never leave said car

4. Urinate in the nearby bushes

5. Get hit by a motorist while crossing the street themselves

6. Sit in their car to stay dry when it rains and never leave said car

7. Stand around, shout to each other across the street, and ignore all pedestrians

8. Misplace their hand-held stop sign, refuse to cross pedestrians without it

9. Call in sick, have police officer fill in for them who does a much better job

10. Collect a paycheck for doing nothing for 3 hours a day

11. Fiddle away on their cell phones

12. Fuck up the natural flow of traffic

Music To My Ears

2012-01-07T16:45:00.000-06:00

Ever since the invention of mp3 file sharing with Napster, and Apple's game changing iPod, the traditional model of the music industry has crumbled into pathetic shambles and has struggled ever since, in terms of influence, market presence, and profit.

As with so many other things today, music went digital and it's long been clear that this was the next, future format. The way of purchasing entire, physical albums in stores would become a thing of the past. Now, it would be convenient, individual digital files, that may or may not be obtained "legally" over the Internet, loaded onto portable audio devices that can store an almost endless supply of music.

But despite the ever-growing concept of purchasing music digitally online, initially begun by Apple's iTunes store almost 9 years ago, physical sales of music still somehow outnumbered digital sales...until now.

For the first time ever, in 2011, digital music sales topped the physical side, by accounting for 50.3% of all music sales for the entire year. Digital sales managed to increase another 8.4% in 2011, while physical music sales dropped another 5%.

The desperate attention whore known as Lady Gaga took the top spot as they year's most online streamed artist, while the title of most streamed song of 2011 went to Nicki Minaj's piece of trash called "Super Bass". The only bright spot of 2011 was the enormously talented Adele, whose album "21" was the top selling album in both physical and digital forms and whose song, "Rolling In The Deep" was the top selling digital song with 5.8 million downloads. Which means that Adele single-handedly saved what's left of the music industry last year.

Now that the scale has finally tipped and digital sales have become the majority, it will only increase exponentially from this point on, especially so with the growing trend of storing one's collection in "the cloud". In time, physical albums will no longer be manufactured and sold, at least not to the mainstream extent they still are now. CDs will be regulated to becoming nothing more than an item of nostalgia and offered in small, limited quantities like vinyl pressings.

Source: CNN Money

Listless Lists: Honest Brand Slogans

2012-01-04T14:38:00.000-06:00

1. Pepsi: When they don't have Coke.
2. Best Buy: Amazon's showroom.
3. Pizza Hut: Not an actual hut. Not actual pizza.
4. Toyota: Moving forward, unintentionally.
5. BMW: Because even assholes need to drive.
6. Barnes and Noble: If you stay inside, it's just a library.
7. Target: Walmart for people with slightly more money.
8. Sudafed: If it doesn't work, there's always crystal meth.
9. America Online: Yea, we still exist.
10. Apple: Think differently by buying the exact same shit as everyone else.

The Year In Review

2011-12-30T10:19:00.000-06:00

As 2011 comes to a close, I thought it would be fun to look back and review some of the events that occurred, but in the form of photographs. So, below are 11 of my favorite, and most memorable photographic moments from the past year.

1. "The Snowpocalypse" - Record setting blizzard on February 2nd caused motorists to abandon their cars on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.

2. The devastating earthquake, and subsequent tsunami that destroyed Japan's coast in March.

3. The Royal Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton; mostly memorable for the little flower girl covering her ears.

4. President Obama and others look on as the real-time mission of capturing and killing Osama bin Laden unfolded before them.

5. A rare, massive dust storm called a "haboob" blankets Phoenix, Arizona in early July.

6. Atlantis lifted off on July 8th. It was the final Space Shuttle launch ever, as NASA officially ended the program after 30 years and 135 missions.

7. Wind from a thunderstorm toppled a temporary stage at the Indiana State Fair in August. The collapsing structure killed 7 people and injured another 43.

8. The opening and dedication of the 9/11 Memorial in New York, on the 10th anniversary of the attacks.

9. Libyans take pictures of Muammar Gaddafi's lifeless body after he was killed and put on display.

10. Passive "Occupy" protesters get doused in the face with pepper spray at the University of California, Davis in November.

11. Corrupt, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in federal prison on December 7th.

Listless Lists: Stereotypical British Names

2011-12-28T13:31:00.000-06:00

1. Benedict Cumberbatch
2. Rupert Neville Chatsworth
3. Winston Churchill
4. Sir Richard Lancaster
5. Reginald Codswallop III
6. Buzz Killington
7. William Henry Smythe
8. Dame Edna Pilkington
9. Chauncey Busterfield
10. Meriwether Chesselwit
11. Daphne Willoughby
12. Prunella Throttlebottom

Listless Lists: Things I Wish Were Never Invented

2011-12-21T12:58:00.000-06:00

1. Religion
2. Auto-tune
3. Glitter
4. Comic Sans font
5. The Pontiac Aztec
6. Reality TV
7. Politics
8. Any product featured on a home shopping channel
9. The U.S. measurement system
10. Hipsters
11. Daylight Savings Time
12. Dubstep

Rhinoceros Party

2011-12-19T22:36:00.000-06:00

In America, there are really only two political parties; the Democrats and the Republicans. Technically though, there are other officially recognized parties, such as the Independent, Green, and Socialist parties, and to an even lesser extent, the United States Marijuana and Pirate parties.

But among the slew of minuscule, and practically insignificant parties recognized in this country, none of them come close to the satirical silliness of a certain campaign from our northern neighbors.

In Canada, there is an official, federal political party dubbed the Rhinoceros Party, whose main campaign promise is not to keep any of its promises. Currently in its second incarnation, the political movement was originally founded in 1963 and became a comedic platform in which to contest current federal elections. It was disbanded in 1993 after election reform laws were passed, and then reformed anew in 2007.

Basically, the political party exists as a satirical commentary on the state of current elections and government. The Rhino Party runs their own candidate in each election and Canadian citizens vote for them as a type of passive aggressive way to protest against the real candidates. It's a simple outlet in which they express dissatisfaction without consequence; they'd rather throw their vote away on a joke candidate than give it to a real one.

Over the years, the Rhino Party has gone to humorous lengths to keep its satirical stature alive. First off, there was the first incarnation of the party's claim that they were the spiritual descendants of Cacareco, a Brazilian rhinoceros who was elected member of Sao Paulo's city council in 1958. The party's current incarnation continues this and still lists Cornelius The First, an actual rhino from the Granby Zoo, as the party's leader and logo inspiration.

The reason behind choosing a rhinoceros to represent the party was a direct jab at politicians, because like them, rhinos are "thick-skinned, slow-moving, dim-witted, can move fast as hell when in danger, and have large, hairy horns growing out of the middle of their faces."

Take a look at some of the party's past, election platforms:

- Institute English, French, and Illiteracy as Canada's three official languages.

- Amend Canada's Freedom of Information Act. "Nothing is free anymore;

Canadians should have to pay for their information."

- Store nuclear waste in the Senate. "After all, we've been storing political

waste there for years."

- Adopt the British system of driving on the left; to be gradually phased in

over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually

including small cars and bicycles last.

- Put the national debt on Visa.

- Make the Trans-Canada Highway one way only.

- Build one nuclear power plant per household, including monthly distributions

of lead underwear to Canadians. Indoor lighting would then be provided by

radioactive citizens.

- Pledge to eliminate small businesses, and replace them with very small

businesses, having less than one employee.

- Repeal the law of gravity.

- Tear down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans can see the Pacific

sunset.

As I mentioned earlier, the Rhino Party's main campaign promise was not to keep any of its promises. So even if a candidate did manage to finally win an election for once, they wouldn't be expected to uphold any comical platform declarations.

Listless Lists: Worst Feelings In The World

2011-12-14T14:17:00.001-06:00

1. Discovering the condom broke
2. Wearing wet socks
3. Leaning back in your chair, that moment right as you begin to fall over
4. Realizing you sent a naked pic on your phone to the wrong number
5. When you're about to sneeze and then end up not sneezing
6. The crash after a sugar high
7. Accidentally sitting on a testicle
8. A girl that uses her teeth
9. When your doctor says, "Uh oh...that doesn't look good."
10. When one's penis touches the inside rim of a public toilet
11. That moment before you're about to vomit and are waiting for it
12. Explosive shits

Same Movie, Different Holiday

2011-12-10T16:25:00.000-06:00

It's no secret that Hollywood has gotten lazy, sacrificing good original film ideas for half-assed remakes, adaptations, and gimmicks like 3D. It's all about doing the least amount possible to get the most amount of money possible for the majority in the film industry these days.

And just when I thought the industry couldn't get more pathetic with all its rehashed ideas, I saw the ads for a new film that just opened this weekend called New Year's Eve which instantly reminded me an awful lot of another film that came out last year called Valentine's Day.

There's more similarities between the two than just both being named after holidays. After some quick research, I discovered that both films are from the very same director, Garry Marshall, and penned by the very same writer, Katherine Fugate. So of course they're going to be similar.

But wait, there's more! Not only do both films feature an ensemble cast of 15+ big name actors, but two actors, Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Biel, are also in both films. The problem with casts this big in this type of film is that hardly any of them get any screen time longer than 10 minutes and hardly get the chance to, or put forth the effort into, actually acting. They basically just show up for a few days of filming, read a few lines as if there was a teleprompter in front of them and let their audience-drawing name be attached to a poster.

The description of both film's plots are pretty much the same as well. Valentine's Day: "Intertwining couples and singles in Los Angeles break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine's Day." New Year's Eve: "The lives of several couples and singles in New York intertwine over the course of New Year's Eve."

By this point, any intelligent person should have realized that this is EXACTLY the same fucking movie. The only thing that has changed is the holiday, city, and a few actors...none of which really matters, because none of those things are integral to the "story". This same film could have been made anywhere with anyone.

Hell, I'll make up my own holiday movie right on the spot just to show you how easy it is.

We'll call it St. Patrick's Day and it'll be about a bunch of couples and singles whose lives intersect in Boston, as they fall in and out of love during the most alcohol-induced fun holiday. It'll star Ryan Gosling, Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Depp, Amy Adams, Winona Ryder, Justin Timberlake, Meryl Streep, Al Pacino, Common, Rachel McAdams, Cameron Diaz, George Clooney, Michelle Williams, Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hanks, and of course Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Biel.

See how easy that was? I just made myself millions of dollars in a few seconds. It's the same goddamn movie in every way and yet, I bet not a single film studio would hesitate to produce it.

And I wouldn't put it past Garry Marshall to do exactly this and continue to lazily pump out the exact same film, one year after another, just named after a different holiday each time. If I had to guess though, I think his next film will be based around the 4th of July, because fireworks are just so darn romantic!

At least the critics know exactly what New Year's Eve is and that it's pure shit. There's still some hope, I guess.

Listless Lists: My Neighbor Left His Back Door Open Last Night And I Saw Inside; What Was He Doing?

2011-12-07T13:35:00.000-06:00

1. More like, who was he doing
2. Not thinking about how he left the back door wide open, that's for sure
3. Doin' enough to make her moan a great deal
4. Boring, old-fashioned missionary position
5. Putting on a worthy performance later to be uploaded onto RedTube
6. Incorporating the use of a few sex toys
7. Doing pretty good for an older guy, after 20 minutes straight
8. Counting out some money and leaving it on the dresser
9. Failing at convincing her to try anal
10. Was doing perfectly fine until I sneezed and he noticed me there watching

4.74 Degrees

2011-12-05T13:24:00.000-06:00

There's a common adage called "six degrees of separation" that refers to the idea that everyone in the world is no more than six steps away, by way of introduction, from any other human on Earth. Basically, any two people in the world can be connected to one another in six steps or less.

Believe it or not, this concept did not originate with Kevin Bacon, although it is most famous now for being associated with the actor. No, the six degrees of separation notion was first conceived in 1929 by a Hungarian author named Frigyes Karinthy in one of his short stories. The idea wasn't officially tested scientifically until the 1960s by Stanley Milgram during his "small world" experiment.

Six degrees wasn't brought into popular culture until the early 1990's when a playwright name John Guare wrote a stage play on the concept, and then had a film based on the play released three years later. Kevin Bacon didn't come into the fold until four bored Albright College students created a game in 1994 called "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" after watching a few of his films, a game they labeled as nothing more than a stupid party trick. The ultimate popularization of the concept took off from there and became what it is today.

As technology continues to advance our world every day and bring people together more closely than ever, that six degrees of separation has shrunk. The omnipresent social networking site known as Facebook, partnered up with the Laboratory for Web Algorithmics of the Universita degli Studi de Milano to conduct an updated version of the six degrees experiment among its users.

After all was said and done, the study revealed that the average distance between any two Facebook users globally (of which there are currently 720+ million) is 4.74 degrees. The last time Facebook did this experiment was in 2008, and the number of steps then was 5.28.

Of course, this study only pertains to the world of Facebook and its users, not to the actual entire world population. But since so many of us spend more time online on Facebook than we do rooted in reality with real physical contact, it might as well mean the "world" to most of us.

And since the number of degrees keeps shrinking at a decent rate, I figure that in another decade or so, I can finally stop stalking Kevin Bacon in order just to be close to him, because by that time, we will actually be connected and most likely best friends.

Source: Facebook

Listless Lists: Things To Do When Being Sung "Happy Birthday" To

2011-11-30T14:08:00.000-06:00

1. Glance around awkwardly, try to think of how not to be awkward
2. Blow out the candles prematurely
3. Take note of those not singing, get revenge later
4. Try to hide erection
5. Act like you are the conductor
6. Caress your nipples and moan
7. Sing along, but louder than everyone else
8. Fake a few laughs, hide your resentment
9. Sneeze on the cake
10. Stare intently at just one person, never blink
11. Pull out cell phone and post about how lame your party is
12. Interrupt grandma, remind her that you're at a funeral and that it's not your birthday

Whore From The Block

2011-11-28T10:25:00.000-06:00

Fiat, an Italian automobile manufacturer, had been absent from the United States since 1984, but after its controlling acquisition of Chrysler a few years ago, it decided to make another go at it in North America.

Their first vehicle to re-enter the market here this year is the little shit car known as the "Fiat 500", which looks suspiciously like a Cozy Coupe toy car. If you think you haven't heard of Fiat before and/or have never seen the car, trust me, you have. It's impossible not to with actress/singer/Living Color Fly Girl Jennifer Lopez whoring herself out to the automobile manufacturer every chance she gets.

First there was this commercial, that featured hoards of people going crazy and chasing after the famous celebrity as she drove by, which basically turns into a dance number for one of her music videos at the end.

A second commercial came along, with Lopez now driving through her old Bronx neighborhood talking about how she's never forgotten her roots, blah blah blah. She obviously has though, because the old "Jenny from the block" was nowhere near the Bronx, as it was discovered she used a body double for most of the commercial and filmed her close-up scenes in Los Angeles.

Currently, she has a third commercial out and again it's just her driving through New York (which was also probably faked) with another voice over narration talking about elegance and some shit. It's all somehow tied in with the Gucci fashion label as well, making it a trifecta of horrendous-ness. Like the other commercials, one of her songs off her new album is featured underneath the narration and it becomes a dual promotional ad, for both Fiat and her horrible music.

Her latest act of degradation and shameless self-promotion came at the American Music Awards over this past weekend where she performed a "live" medley of new songs that featured the Fiat 500 on stage for a good portion of the set, which was turned into a quasi commercial for the auto at one point.

It was in extremely poor taste and was a horribly brazen attempt at product placement; many other celebrities in attendance thought so too as they immediately "tweeted" their thoughts about it, as they tend to do so often.

The commercials airing on overkill and her stage performance are all examples of how not to use a celebrity to promote a product. The main purpose of having a celebrity tie-in is to generate greater interest and exposure among the general public, not to repel consumers away and invoke negative emotions towards the product, as Fiat has done here.

But maybe the real problem isn't Fiat, but just J.Lo herself. Take her music video for one of her new songs titled "On The Floor". Within the first 20 seconds there is a blatant product placement for BMW and Swarovski crystal, then half-way through, Crown Royal whiskey gets a decent amount of face time.

It appears that J.Lo suddenly just likes to whore herself out to any product, just like current soap operas on daytime television. Perhaps because if she doesn't, she's afraid her mediocre new tunes won't have any exposure and her album will be an enormous flop, which is exactly true.

So it's not really Fiat's fault, J.Lo just can't stop spreading open her legs and is unfortunately selling herself out more to Fiat than anybody else. Celebrity/company tie-ins are nothing new, but most just stick to hocking one product at a time. It's too bad though that Fiat's commercials in America can't be more like this one. Creative and successful in generating positive interest...and it's all done without an overblown celebrity.

Listless Lists: Useless Things Found In My Wallet

2011-11-23T13:14:00.000-06:00

1. Expired college ID
2. Voter registration card
3. Iraqi dinar
4. CTA fare card with no money on it
5. Hand-written directions to buried treasure
6. McDonald's Monopoly game piece for a free drink...from last year
7. Blockbuster membership card
8. Business card from Tobias Funke, certified Analrapist
9. Coupon for a free "save the tiger" poster
10. Graphite keycard encoded with top secret nuclear codes
11. Picture of dead girlfriend

Listless Lists: What Happens At The End of a Porno

2011-11-16T23:39:00.000-06:00

1. I don't know...I never make it to the end
2. He fixes the cable
3. Everyone gets hosed down and sterilized
4. A lot of exaggerated moaning and a staged climax
5. The bed sheets get burned
6. Some more horrible acting and then a quick fade out
7. Traditionally a cumshot of some sort
8. The woman admits she didn't really need a plumber
9. Snape kills Dumbledore
10. Everyone gets their STD test results back
11. Feelings of immediate regret and self-loathing arise

Retail Gone Too Far

2011-11-15T08:46:00.001-06:00

I haven't worked in retailsince 2003 and I can assure you that if I still did today, I probably would'vekilled myself by now. Working in a department store during the holiday seasonwas horrendous enough back then; I can only begin to imagine how unspeakablytraumatizing it must be now.

Over the years, retail storeshave pushed the holiday shopping season to occur sooner and sooner, and fortheir stores to be open earlier and earlier. The last time I worked on a BlackFriday, the earliest a store opened was at 6am. Now, starting this year, thereare stores like Target, Best Buy, Macy's, and Kohls that are opening atmidnight right as Thanksgiving ends. Even more disheartening is the fact thatWal-Mart and Toys R Us are both opening back up on Thanksgiving Day, at 10pmand 9pm respectively.

How utterly insane is that? The sad thing is, they wouldn't beopening earlier and earlier each year if people didn't actually show up to shopat those unspeakable hours. That's only part of the drive behind the continuousoperating hours expansion; the other reason is obviously because the lacklustereconomy has supposedly hurt the retail industry's bottom line and the storesneed to make up the difference.

Most of all though, I feel sorry for those employees that have tocut their family time and Thanksgiving holiday short so that they can arrive towork at some ungodly hour. This baffling shopping event is creeping moreand more into the actually holiday until it will eventually be that all retailstores will just stay open all day on Thanksgiving and never close.

If I currently worked at some retail store and I was scheduled tocome in on Thanksgiving Day, I would immediately quit and tell the higher-upsto go fuck themselves. I, nor any other hard-working American, should have tosacrifice their guaranteed holiday time off. Thanksgiving is quicklybecoming a causality of the shopping season epidemic, and while the retailencroachment is inevitable and not all that surprising, it doesn't make it anyless abhorrent.

As always, I will avoid any and all retail stores on Black Fridayweekend and refuse to partake in the over-hyped consumer circus. Partially inprotest of their ever-expanding, seasonal business practicesand partiality because I have no desire to deal with the aggravationand stress that shopping on that weekend brings.

Instead, I will do as much shopping as possible from the comfortof my own home through online retailers, most of which offer free shipping anddon't charge sales tax.

The Big Oscar Pull-Out

2011-11-10T17:06:00.000-06:00

Back in September, I wrote a blog post about how bad of a choice it was to have Eddie Murphy host next year's Oscars, and criticized the Academy for making yet another desperate, ill-advised decision.

Well, it seems my prayers have been answered, as it was just announced yesterday that Eddie Murphy has withdrawn himself as the hand-picked individual to host the award show's 84th go-around. Why did he resign on his own accord? Well, it all has to do with Brett Ratner.

Ratner, who is a lousy director, became friends with Murphy on the set of their latest movie together, Tower Heist. After filming had completed earlier in the year, Ratner was stupidly chosen by the Academy to be the producer for next year's telecast. He in turn asked his new best bud Murphy to host the show for him, a choice which the Academy also somehow approved of.

But then last week, during a Q&A session following a screening of Tower Heist, Ratner slipped and used the word "fag" during one of his responses. Just like the word "retard(ed)", uttering that word is a big no-no if one is of celebrity status and/or immersed in a world covered by the media. It's an easy street straight to raising controversy and having many activists pissed off at you.

However, it wasn't just the use of the derogatory slur that did him in. Sometime after that, he made an appearance on Howard Stern's show and talked in graphic detail about sex, masturbation, eating a woman out, the size of his balls, pubic hair, condom usage and past girlfriends. Basically, he outed himself as being the giant scumbag most already suspected that he was.

To his credit though, Ratner himself decided to pull-out as next year's producer, instead of being forced to resign by the Academy. Though, even if he hadn't made the decision himself, he would have surely been forced out eventually. The Academy doesn't like, and can preferably do without, any type of controversy...they're not the Golden Globes, after all.

And where Ratner goes, so does his new pet Eddie Murphy, and that's why he pulled-out fast and hard, immediately following Ratner's departure.

Thankfully, the Academy didn't waste any time in replacing Ratner; they made an intelligent decision for once and already hired Brian Grazer as his replacement. Grazer is a far more competent producer, with a decent track record of being attached to some gems like former Best Picture winner A Beautiful Mind, Apollo 13, J. Edgar, and television shows like 24, Friday Night Lights, and Arrested Development.

Of course he's had some recent misses too, like being a producer on Tower Heist, and on that quickly canceled Playboy Club show. Though, he has far many more hits and a longer, more consistent track record of producing than Ratner. I have faith that Grazer will competently perform his duties well.

Hopefully the Academy can use this second chance to make another good decision and quickly hire Billy Crystal to be the host again. After all, he did previously express interest, so it shouldn't be that hard to convince him.

UPDATE: Well, would you look at that!? No sooner than a few hours after I published this blog post did the Academy go ahead and confirm Billy Crystal as the replacement host for next year. Finally! Now the Oscars can go back to being somewhat enjoyable again. The Academy did a good job of saving their ass on this one...bravo!

Listless Lists: Reasons To Stop In The Middle of Sex

2011-11-09T16:08:00.000-06:00

1. Because it was too embarrassing for both parties

2. Dislocated shoulder attempting a suspended congress position

3. Safe word was used

4. Heart attack

5. Projectile vomited all over the other person's private area

6. Had to answer texts from girlfriend/boyfriend that is being cheating on

7. Suddenly figured out how light behaves as both a particle and a wave

8. Passed out drunk before climax

9. Was too awkward to continue with the dog watching

10. Viagra wore off

11. Called the other person by the wrong name

12. Knocked the video camera over

13. Image of grandmother came into mind

Once You See It...

2011-11-03T21:09:00.000-05:00

Hollywood sure loves its trends. From remakes no one asked for, to sequels no one asked for, and films unnecessarily offered in 3D, more often than not, the trend exists because it's either another way to make more money, or a systematic abuse of new technology. Sometimes it's both.

The trend I am about to discuss is of the latter; a certain abuse of a digital effect that surprisingly goes unnoticed and unmentioned most of the time. But trust me, once you see it, you will not be able to unsee it. You will notice it or look for it in every film you watch from this moment on.

Often referred to as "teal and orange", it is a digital color-grading process applied to an entire film that adds in or intensifies the hues of, you guessed it, teal and orange, but to extremely asinine levels.

Color grading, in general, is the process of enhancing or correcting the initially captured color in a film and the process is as old as color film itself. Thanks to current technology though, it's no longer used responsibly to properly correct a scene or further an artistic theme of a film. Since it is so quick and automatic to accomplish now, it has become nothing more than a convenient visual trick to force an audience's attention onto exactly what the filmmaker wants.

The majority of most films consist of having a human face present on the screen and since flesh tones exist in the orange range on a color wheel, one would need its opposite, complimentary color to make the flesh tones "pop" more. Hence matching it up with the color teal, which is flooded into the background surrounding the characters, creating a contrast that forces the audience to focus on nothing else but the actors and their orange, spray-on douche-tan-like faces.

It's also not just films that do this; the teal and orange scheme can be seen in plenty of posters, as well as in all kinds of advertisements and public spaces. Like I said, now that you are aware of this phenomenon's existence, you won't be able to ignore it.

Here's a blog that has explored the teal and orange strategy in greater depth, with numerous examples of the horrendous concept:PART 1 and PART 2

Listless Lists: Why I've Been Slacking On Blog Posts

2011-11-02T17:33:00.001-05:00

1. Too many good cable TV shows to catch up on

2. Been busy working on a video project

3. Got drunk, passed out in alley, woke up on cargo ship bound for Columbia

4. Severed all my fingers in a freak bear trap accident

5. I've been too upset over Kim Kardashian's divorce

6. Was kidnapped, held captive for a week, then escaped

7. I'm still recovering from my surgery a month ago, give me a break!

8. Was busy serving paternity lawsuit papers to Justin Bieber

9. Participated in Occupy Chicago, then realized I wasn't part of the 99%

10. Why bother? No one visits this site anyway...

Listless Lists: Famous Last Words

2011-10-26T11:44:00.002-05:00

1. "Hey guys, what's this big red button do?"

2. "See you in Hell, Paula Deen!"

3. "Now pay attention, because I'm only going to do this once."

4. "Yes, that dress does make you look fat."

5. "Nah, I don't mind if you choke me while we do it."

6. "Hapsburg has Plan B in..."

7. "Nope. Chuck Testa."

8. "Delete my internet browser history."

9. "Whatever you do, stay away from the quiche."

10. "It was...soap poisoning!"

11. "Wait a minute, this vest wasn't bulletproof!?"

12. "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaauuuggghhh..."

Spoiling It For Everyone

2011-10-23T12:25:00.000-05:00

SPOILER ALERT! Two words that serve as a warning; a disclaimer to inform an individual that what follows can potentially ruin the material for them, and that they should proceed at their own risk or remove themselves completely before it's too late.

Be it in regards to written stories, films, or television shows, stating a spoiler alert beforehand allows those who have already experienced the material to continue onward and discuss it in depth, while preventing those who have yet to complete the experience from having it prematurely ruined. It's both a polite courtesy and a exoneration of blame.

But do spoilers actually ruin the story, the twist, the plot line? Not really, according to some shallow study from the University of California in San Diego, whose psychology department ran experiments on 12 short stories of different types. The study found that participants highly preferred the spoiled versions of mystery and ironic-twist stories, and by a slimmer margin, still preferred the spoiled versions of literary stories as well.

So why is that? Why would anyone prefer to know the facts firsthand? Does it make it easier, not having to figure things out as one goes along, leaving one to focus more on the events that lead up to the moment of spoilage? Exactly yes, so says the study. According to those running the experiments, not knowing what will happen can cloud one's understanding of what is presently occurring.

I can see their point there, but honestly, having to go back a second time and piece things together more clearly is part of the fun. That feeling of revelation one gets when you go back and discover the hints and clues that were overlooked the first go around is a pure joy to experience. Being spoiled beforehand deprives you of a second run-through, a retread, that more often than not, reinforces the material's staying power.

This unscientific study also only focused on, and applies to, written works...so what about visual? Do they think the same applies for films and television shows? They probably do, and in which case I obviously still disagree with them.

Nobody likes to be spoiled, especially by the hands of someone else. If you end up spoiling the story for yourself, well then that's your choice to do so and it's your own fault if you end up getting mad and regret having made such an ill-advised decision in the first place.

Whether it's a book, film, or general life, having the facts spoiled first, then the experience second, is rarely ever preferred. Sure, I've had a film or two spoiled on me before, and sure, it can sometimes be interesting to know beforehand and still see how things led there, but it's nowhere near all that rewarding or fulfilling.

Nothing beats the experience of going in blind from the start and not knowing what comes next. That's pure gratification.

Listless Lists: I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That

2011-10-19T16:12:00.001-05:00

1. Commit murder

2. Be nice to your bitch of a mother

3. Get tested for STDs

4. Perform euthanasia

5. Require a "safe word"

6. Sit through another one of your boring lectures

7. Attend a taping of Rosie O'Donnell's new show

8. Get a vasectomy

9. Promise to always be faithful

10. Give you up, let you down, run around and desert you

11. Sign a prenup

12. Seek treatment for my destructive drug habits

13. Donate to you a kidney

Bike Log: Final Overview

2011-10-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of this year, just as the weather began to warm in the spring time, I got the desire to challenge myself to ride my bicycle to work as many days possible during the summer. It was an endeavor mostly born out of a necessity to save money on gasoline, but carried along with it the additional perks of being a great source of additional exercise and being a nice change of pace to the typical daily routine.

The distance from my apartment to work was 4.7 miles, making a daily bike ride a 9.4 mile round trip. After attempting a trial run first in April, I discovered that the trip would take me about 25-30 minutes one way. I waited for the average daily temperatures to reach a consistent level before attempting to begin my summer long venture; that time had finally come the week of May 8th.

Part of my original goal was to, at most, ride my bicycle to work at least 4 days out of a given work week. Although, that wasn't always possible, due to many factors such as inclement weather, holidays, and after work commitments that required the use of my automobile.

In fact, that first week was off to a mediocre start, as I had only managed to utilize my bike on just 2 days. The second week was even more pathetic, as I garnered only a single day on my bike. After that though, the weeks progressed nicely. Starting with Week 7, on through to Week 11, I managed 5 straight weeks of riding my bike to work at least 4 days in each given week. In Week 14 and 17, I managed to ride all 5 days, by far my most successful two weeks.

I kept up my bike to work excursion for 20 straight weeks over the summer, finally ending all attempts the week of September 18th. I would have liked to continue on for a few more weeks, and very well could have with the beautiful weather we had last week, but my scheduled sinus surgery and the required 2 weeks of "no strenuous activity" following that operation caused me to call it quits a bit prematurely.

In total, over the 20 weeks, there were 100 work days, but 3 of those days were paid holidays off and I took another 4 vacation days off, so really there was only a total possible of 93 days in which I could have rode my bicycle to work. Of those 93 days, I actually managed to utilize the bike a total 65.5 days, the half day attributed to the one day in Week 4 where I rode my bike in the morning, but got a ride home from my co-worker due to rain. So that comes out to a respectable 70.4% of the total possible time that I was able to ride to work, with an average of about 3.3 days a week; feels pretty successful to me.

Although, while I still rode my bike to work, Week 18 must have an asterisk next to it, as it cannot be classified as a full bike-to-work week in regards to the original guidelines I set out from the beginning. That week, my parents were out of town on vacation, and I had the task of house sitting for a few days. They live significantly closer to where I work, so much so that a bike ride from their house only amounts to a 1.5 mile round trip. So out of the 4 total days that I rode my bike to work in Week 18, 3 days were the shorter distance from my parents house, and the 4th day was back to the full distance from my apartment.

Taking all that into consideration, I rode my bike about 592 total miles this summer. Through it all, I experienced all kinds of weather, from riding in chilly temps in the upper 50's to surviving through a week-long heat wave that had temperatures in the high 90's, with heat indexes expanding that up to 110 degrees. I dodged the threat of rain many times, struggled through high winds, and survived almost being hit by inattentive motorists at least 4 or 5 times. I also dealt with a foot peddle that broke halfway through a morning ride, and wore down my bike tires significantly to the point where they will have to be replaced before next year.

While the original prediction many analysts made early on, that gasoline would rise to over $5 per gallon this summer, thankfully that never happened, although it did manage to get close and it made me all the happier that I was saving money by not filling up my gas tank as often.

Before I started my bike riding in May, the last time I regularly filled up my car with gasoline was about a week and a half prior, on April 28th at a cost of $55.70. That fill up lasted me almost an entire month, thanks to the number of days I was able to ride my bike. Normally, I would have to refuel my car every 1.5-2 weeks, so by riding my bike, I effectively doubled the amount of time between fill-ups, significantly reducing the amount of money I was wasting.

In fact, throughout the entire duration in which I was utilizing my bike, I only had to buy gas once every month. Here are my fill-ups for the entire summer: $54.60 on May 22nd, $45.01 on June 25th, $52 on July 21st, $50 on August 7th, and $50.25 on September 11th. My next, and most recent fill-up, occurred on October 11th at a cost of $44.25, well after I ended my bike riding for the summer.

So there you have it, a total summation of my bike riding to work endeavor. It was an enjoyable experience and I'm glad I took it upon myself to engage in such a challenge and have the determination to see it through to completion. I succeeded in reaching my money saving goal, as well as my secondary fitness goal, and I also managed to have fun throughout it all.

It was more rewarding than I could ever have imagined and I definitely want to, and look forward to, doing it all again next summer. Though, if there is one thing I've learned over the past few months, it's this: I'm going to need to buy a cushioned gel seat for my bike before I ever do this again.

Listless Lists: Bad Things Done For Money

2011-10-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

1. First degree murder

2. Set up a fake charity, got friends to donate, pocketed all the cash

3. Scammed elderly people out of medicare benefits

4. Bukkake

5. Sold Cutco knives to family and friends

6. Drank an entire jar of pickle juice for $10

7. Worked in sales at Oriental Trading

8. Dealt left over prescription meds to school kids

9. On a bet, attempted to consume 50 eggs at once

10. Smuggled puppies into China to be used as food

11. Gave happy ending foot massage

12. Sold kidney on black market that wasn't mine

My Surgery

2011-10-06T23:20:00.001-05:00

I have always considered myself to be a generally healthy individual, but for many years, my main source of most bodily ailments were attributed to issues with my sinuses. Like clockwork every year, I would experience a round of the same symptoms and just go through the motions until everything usually resolved itself within a week or two.

Within the past year though, my sinus issues grew exponentially worse and lengthy infections always followed. Since last November, I have been prescribed Flonase nasal spray, Azithromycin on two separate occasions, Amoxicillin, Methylprednisolone, and Cefuroxime. None of them ever worked to alleviate or solve my problems. After so many infections and a most-likely built up resistance to certain meds, it was going to take something more to solve it.

This past March is when my most intense bout of sinus issues began and hardly ever let up, if at all. Since then I have battled daily headaches due to sinus pressure, constant post nasal drip, complete congestion of my nasal cavities, fatigue, and regular popping of the ears due to the inner cranial pressure. Combine that with one of the worst allergy seasons on record and these past 6 months have been absolute hell for me.

During the summer, I finally got my primary care physician to refer me to an ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist. It was there that I was diagnosed with chronic sinusitis, chronic maxillary sinusitis, chronic ethmoid sinusitis, a deviated septum, nasal polyps, and hypertrophy of the inferior nasal turbinates. After two subsequent CT scans of my sinus cavities, I consulted further with the ENT and agreed that surgery would be the next best, and logical step, having exhausted most medications and other routes.

Two weeks ago, I went in for my first ever surgery. I know there are more serious surgeries to have than one involving the sinuses, but since I have never had surgery before in my life, nor have I ever been in a hospital other than to visit someone else, this was a pretty big deal for me and a whole new experience.

The surgery involved general anesthesia and was performed endoscopically, which means they basically went up my nose with a camera, and other instruments, not requiring any external work to be done. Here is the rundown of the procedure in fancy medical terms: bilateral endoscopic sinus surgery with computer navigation, bilateral total endoscopic ethmoidectomy, bilateral endoscopic maxillary antrostomies, submucous resection of the nasal septum, and submucous resection of the inferior turbinates.

If you're really curious and have a strong stomach, you can watch this video and get a general idea of what this type of surgery entails.

After about an hour of surgery, I was sent into recovery for a few hours and was back home later that same day, under the care and watch of my loving parents. With a gauze bandage under my nose to soak up blood and packing plugging up both my nostrils, it was difficult to rest, eat, and breathe.

Surprisingly though, there wasn't much pain and no physical, external evidence of the surgery, such as bruising under the eyes or swelling. The majority of the time after surgery was just greatly uncomfortable and awkward. I had the packing removed the following day and continually walked around with gauze under my nose for the occasional bouts of bleeding, which mostly stopped by the 5th day. By then, most of the dark red blood and tar-thick mucus had begun to flow the other way, down my throat instead, resulting in me having to cough it up every hour or so.

A week after the surgery, I went back to the ENT to have dried blood chunks and mucus cleared out of my nose to promote healing and open the passageways. It was then that I was finally able to breathe again and feel relief. The healing process continues now with required irrigation of my nasal passages, at least twice a day, with a saline solution.

So, here I am now, in my second week of recovery, and am doing well. The surgery went smoothly, the healing is proceeding nicely, and I haven't been able to breathe this freely since the beginning of the year. So far, it looks as though everything was a success and I couldn't be happier.

The full healing process takes about 6-8 weeks, so I still have a ways to go. Every day though, things are improving. This surgery may be one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Listless Lists: Reasons To Carry A Knife

2011-10-05T12:54:00.001-05:00

1. Same reason why I also carry a gun

2. I might get the urge to carve my name into a tree

3. I like how shiny the blade is

4. Sometimes I just like to cut things

5. I find myself engaged in a game of knifey/spoony all too often

6. To defend myself against random meth-heads

7. How else am I going to chop up all this celery?

8. To clean out the dirt under my fingernails

9. In case I need to MacGyver my way out of a situation

10. You never know when a girl might want half a hot dog

Listless Lists: What Happened To My Nose

2011-09-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

1. Result of a car accident

2. It's an ongoing legal matter, so I must refrain from discussing it

3. Fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

4. Bar fight (you should see the other guy)

5. Ran into a doorknob

6. Had endoscopic sinus surgery

7. Snorted too much cocaine

8. "I fell down some stairs"

9. Planking stunt gone wrong

10. I'm not sure exactly, but the doctor said it would stop bleeding if I just kept my finger out of there

Bike Log: Week 20

2011-09-24T11:11:00.000-05:00

All good things must come to an end...this marks the final week in my summer long mission of riding my bike to work as much as possible. Fitting that such a venture would coincide its conclusion with that of the actual summer season, as autumn officially began yesterday.

It wasn't a stellar week, but it wasn't abysmal either, as I managed to eek out 3 final days. Despite overcast skies and predicted rain, I took my chances Monday and rode my bike anyway, once again luckily missing all bouts of precipitation.

Tuesday morning was a bit chilly, but I braved the conditions, staved off frozen hands, and chose to ride that day as well, for the weathermen were right when they said it would warm up nicely in the afternoon. The return trip home was pleasantly mild and in the mid 70s.

Wednesday I rode again and the morning on this day was warmer and more forgiving than Tuesday. Thursday I opted not to ride, as the morning was back into the chilly territory. Too chilly for me this time, as the morning temps were in the low 50s and the high that day barely got above 60 degrees.

And of course, Friday I didn't ride either, for that was the day of my big surgery.

So there you have it, my final week. Uneventful like most other weeks, but a decent note to end things on nonetheless. In a week or two, I plan on posting a final log to summarize up my entire bike riding summer and reflect on all the good times and the bad.

So for now, I guess it's back to utilizing my gas-guzzling friend as my main form of transportation again...at least until maybe next summer.

Analemma

2011-09-22T20:47:00.001-05:00

Despite what your dirty mind is thinking, an analemma is a term used in astronomy to describe the figure traced in the sky when the position of the Sun is plotted at the exact same time each day over a period of a year, from a fixed location on Earth.

Due to the tilt of Earth's axis and its elliptical orbit around the Sun, the location of the Sun is not constant from day to day when observed at the same time each day. This results in the analemma curve looking like a figure 8. The plot will also have a varying incline depending on where one's geographical latitude is.

If Earth's axis had no tilt and a perfectly circular orbit around the Sun, then the Sun would always appear at the same point in the sky at the same time throughout the day, all year long, resulting in the analemma being just a single dot.

The figure 8 pattern the Sun makes can be a rather difficult phenomenon to capture in a photograph, since it requires taking a multiple-exposure picture of the Sun at the exact same time, in the exact same position, once or twice a week for an entire year. That's quite a commitment of time and quite a feat of precision to not screw up.

Obviously, taking a multiple-exposure photograph is much easier to do now with digital cameras, but it can still be fairly difficult. So difficult in fact that only about 20 people worldwide have ever released a successful picture of an analemma.

The very first one created was on a single frame of physical film in 1978 by Dennis di Ciccio. Using a solar filter with the exposures, it is also one of the few that doesn't have a composited foreground.

Today, most photograph the analemma first, then digitally composite a foreground in at the end, since it can be too difficult to accommodate for two different exposures (one for the sky and one for the foreground) over the length of an entire year. By digitally inserting the foreground at the end, it successfully eliminates a variable, and one less variable to plan and adjust for only increases one's chances at creating a successful analemma photograph.

Below is one such photograph, taken in 2006 in Turkey. It not only traces the Sun's path over an entire year, but also includes a total solar eclipse.

I used to be quite the astronomy nut when I was younger (still am to some extent) and I've always held an active interest in photography for many years. It's understandable then, why something like this which combines both interests, would intrigue me so and warrant a discussion such as this post.

Listless Lists: Bowel Movement Movie Titles

2011-09-21T09:46:00.000-05:00

1. There Will Be Blood

2. Sideways

3. 127 Hours

4. The Remains of the Day

5. Waiting To Exhale

6. Fast and Furious

7. Operation: Dumbo Drop

8. Children of the Corn

9. The Neverending Story

10. Black Snake Moan

11. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs

12. Something's Gotta Give

Bike Log: Week 19

2011-09-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

My summer of biking to work continues to wind down and it looks as if it's slowly going out with a whimper, rather than with a successful bang. I only managed 2 measly days this week, but then again, I really only had a chance at 3 days max to begin with.

Monday I had a blood test and a second CT scan scheduled at the hospital after work, so obviously I didn't ride my bike on this day.

I rode on Tuesday and again on Wednesday, in which I successfully managed to miss all passing rain showers during the day. By Wednesday evening it had turned quite nippy outside and I was freezing the entire ride home.

Thursday I deemed it just too cold to ride my bike. The temperature that morning was an unseasonably low 38 degrees and the day only got up to a high of 58. Not ideal temps to ride one's bike in, especially with a wind chill as well.

Friday I had a pre-op appointment with my ENT specialist after work, so again, I did not utilize the bike.

Next week is the conclusion of my biking to work endeavor, and although I originally would have only had two days maximum next week, it looks as though I might get a few more chances. My surgery was originally scheduled for next Wednesday, but because of my doctor's busy schedule, it has now been pushed back 2 days to next Friday.

Meaning, I now have 4 possible days in which to ride my bike next week, and hopefully I can take advantage of each one. It all depends on how the weather holds up, and at this moment, it looks like it's going to be just warm and pleasant enough next week for me to do so.

Listless Lists: What's That Smell?

2011-09-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

1. Minnesota burning

2. Whatever the cat just puked up

3. Fear

4. I'm not sure, but I bet it's something The Rock is cooking

5. Raw sewage from the industrial plant

6. Ball sweat

7. A dead fish someone hid under my car seat

8. Ammonia and bleach

9. Why it's bacon, of course!

10. A huge cloud of shit

11. Beach-scented cologne

12. Sex, with a hint of shame

Sherman Klump Is Hosting The Oscars

2011-09-12T22:29:00.001-05:00

Just when you thought the organizers of the Oscars had made every possible ill-advised decision left towards their awards show telecast, they go and prove everyone wrong by confirming Eddie Murphy as the host for next year.

I find it ironic that the Academy Awards, which is all about honoring the best films of the year, would choose a person to host who has starred in and created some of the worst films ever made, especially as of late. Some of his "gems" of the past decade include Dr. Dolittle 2, Daddy Day Care, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Norbit, and Meet Dave. Just look at how horribly his movies have been rated on Rottentomatoes.

Not to mention the fact that Eddie Murphy hasn't been an entertaining comedian since the mid 1990s, and has pretty much fallen off the face of the earth in terms of relevance and public awareness. I don't see how he could possibly be a successful Oscar host. When was the last time he even did live stand-up or wrote original material for an audience?

So honestly, why did he get the job? Well in the film industry, they say it's always about who you know, not what you know, and it just happens that Eddie Murphy is good friends with one of the telecast's new producers for next year, Brett Ratner. Brett, who has a similar track record of mediocrity, but in the field of directing, even has a new film, starring his new best bud Murphy, coming out later this year called Tower Heist. A film title that is almost as cringe worthy as the fictional Danger Beach from Entourage.

The Academy Awards has reeked with desperation for countless years now and has made one half-assed attempt after another to revitalize the ailing show. Success of the show all starts with the host and that's where the Oscars has been failing first and foremost. I never thought they could possibly find someone worse than last year's pairing of James Franco and Anne Hathaway. I love them as actors, but as far as live hosting goes...they should never, ever attempt that line of work again.

The last good host the Academy Awards ever had was Billy Crystal. He was funny, entertaining, original, and everyone loved him. He even threw his hat in the ring and expressed great desire to wanting to host again, staring with the upcoming awards next year. What the fuck was the Academy thinking passing him up!?

The telecast will always have terrible dialogue written for presenters, useless tribute montage sequences, rambling acceptance speeches, and an absurdly long running time. But if you get the right host to walk the audience through it all, you'll find yourself actually enjoying the show. Billy Crystal was capable of that, and so was the great Bob Hope.

None of the hosts as of late could ever accomplish that, and neither will Eddie Murphy.

Bike Log: Week 18

2011-09-10T19:30:00.001-05:00

This week I found myself having to house-sit and dog-sit for my parents while they went on vacation. So, while I still managed to ride to work 4 out of the total possible 5 days, I would stop short of classifying this as a true "bike to work" week.

I took up a temporary residency at my parents' house and since they live so much closer to my place of employment, each day's bike ride was a round trip of only 1.5 miles, which is significantly less than the usual 9.4 mile round trip I make when riding from my apartment. Also, the bike I rode this week was in fact my dad's bicycle, as mine was obviously left back at the apartment.

So any bike riding I did to work was brief and garnered me little exercise, but I still did it nonetheless, because refraining from utilizing the car, even for a short trip, would be worth the effort.

The weather was quite autumnal this week and breezy (at least until Friday), but still sun-filled and pleasant. Monday I had the day off, as it was the Labor Day holiday, making that the only day I didn't ride to work. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I rode my dad's bike from the parents' abode.

Thursday evening, my sister took over dog-sitting duties for the rest of the week, leaving me free to go back home to my apartment. Thus Friday was the only true bike to work day this week, as I rode the full distance from my apartment to work. Despite the weather forecasts, I still opted to ride that day and luckily missed any rain showers.

A bit of a scattered week, but I tried to make the best of it. Next week I'll only have three total possible days in which I can ride to work, since I have two days of doctor appointments after work that I need the car for. Then the following week after that is my surgery. Slowly winding down the season of bike riding until then.

Listless Lists: What My Dog Sniffed While Out For A Walk

2011-09-07T13:54:00.001-05:00

1. Fire hydrant

2. Twigs and shit

3. Discarded bag of McDonald's food

4. Squirrel!

5. Another dog's ass

6. A dead body, poorly hidden in the bushes

7. Partially buried Ziplock bag filled with cocaine

8. Some flowers, before she promptly ate them

9. The grass, looking for a place to pee

10. An angry skunk

11. A bloody knife left carelessly in my neighbor's trash can

The Dark Side

2011-09-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

This month, all of the Star Wars films, both the original trilogy and the newer prequel trilogy, will finally be released on Blu-ray for the first time. But with each round of releasing the films onto a new format, from VHS to DVD to Blu-ray, George Lucas uses it as an opportunity/excuse to mess with the original versions and add more unnecessary shit in and make minor changes throughout.

And oh boy, has he added another slew of misguided alterations this time around. From even more updated CGI effects, to new, useless dialogue, many fans and general film buffs are quite peeved that Lucas just can't seem to leave well enough alone. Why does he continue to do it? Maybe he's a perfectionist and wants to get some things done right that he he couldn't the first time around, or second time, or third. Maybe it's simply because he has too much time and money on his hands now and likes to irritate his fan base.

Regardless, none of his additional changes to the films over the years have ever been an actual improvement. If anything, they are either shrug-worthy or so horribly ill-advised that every fan's heart breaks at the sight of the original versions being tainted even further.

All of this is greatly ironic to me, for in 1988, George Lucas apparently made a speech to Congress about films needing to be federally protected from being altered after time. He said, "People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians." But wait, isn't that exactly what he's been doing all these years with his films, and has done again just now? It's amazing how some people can change so quickly into a hypocrite.

Although, while his speech was in fact aimed more toward outside, dark forces tampering with other people's works of art, rather than a person just messing with their own work, that doesn't necessarily make his pattern of destructive alterations okay. It should apply to all artists, regardless of whether or not it's their own work.

And that brings up the argument of how one really determines whose work it is. In the film industry, which is a collaborative effort amongst many creators, it is difficult to pin down true ownership. The majority of the time though, it's the director who obtains the role of being a film's owner by default. So then by that traditional standard, can The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi be considered George Lucas's work, since he didn't direct nor even write the screenplay for either film? The Empire Strikes Back (the best film in the series) was actually directed by Irvin Kershner, and Richard Marquand directed Jedi, with Lawrence Kasdan writing the screenplay for both of those sequels.

With film, you can hardly ever claim something to be just your own. It belongs to everyone that had a creative hand in bringing the vision to completion. And in the case of a series like Star Wars, the films also belong to each and every fan, not just one egotistical person.

Now, I understand the desire to want to go back to a past project and tweak it, but I guarantee you, as imperfect as one may think the original is, making "improvements" will never make it better or make things feel finally complete. Obviously, George Lucas foolishly thinks otherwise.

Bike Log: Week 17

2011-09-03T13:19:00.001-05:00

I honestly didn't think I'd get another shot at attaining a full, 5 straight days of bike riding to work, but that's exactly what happened this week! This is the second time this summer I've been able to achieve that lofty goal and I couldn't be happier.

Each of the five days this week were generally uneventful bike rides, and obviously the weather was cooperative enough to allow me such a repeated success. While the week started out pleasant and mild, the last two days ended back up in a minor heat wave with high humidity and extreme heat indexes. Regardless, high temps are never enough to keep me from riding, especially when the allure of achieving another five straight days was at stake.

In regards to the overall biking to work endeavor this summer, I had originally planned to keep this routine up until at least the end of September, possibly further if the weather consistently allowed it. Unfortunately, it looks as though I might have to end my bike riding a bit prematurely.

Towards the end of this month I will be going in for surgery, which will require no strenuous exertion for at least 2 weeks following the procedure. That means no bike riding, no exercising in general. Since surgery affects everyone differently, it is unknown at this point whether or not I will be healed enough at the end of those 2 weeks to return to my bike riding. Even if, by then it will already be mid October and there's no telling what the weather conditions will be like. I'll just have to play it by ear and take it one day at a time.

Come to think of it, I also have at least 2 pre-op appointments with my doctor that will require the use of my car to get to his office, so within the time left before my surgery, I will at most have only 9 possible days in which to ride my bike to work.

It's not the way I wanted to conclude my summer of bike riding, but at the end of the day, personal health comes first and foremost.

Listless Lists: Lost On A Coin Toss

2011-08-31T12:56:00.000-05:00

1. The coin itself

2. The right to choose what movie we saw that night

3. First round pick for fantasy football team

4. Half a pound of bacon

5. Three fingers on left hand

6. Self respect

7. The other half of a sandwich

8. What little was left of my soul

9. A glass of lemonade from the kids down the street

10. Virginity

11. A bet regarding how far a midget could be punted

12. The hopes and dreams of many starving children

Bike Log: Week 16

2011-08-27T22:17:00.001-05:00

Well, this week of bike riding was fairly average and uneventful. Monday I had another appointment with my doctor after work, and Tuesday was plagued with rain showers, therefore I didn't ride my bike to work either day.

The weather was once again beautiful from then on out and I was easily able to utilize the bicycle for the last 3 days of the work week. The only thing of consequence was on Wednesday, when the police had set up their speed trap for the third time this summer, again by the stretch of cemetery.

This time though, instead of hiding behind one of the buildings, the officer with the radar gun was hidden in plain sight. Dressed as one of the cemetery landscapers, he sat out in the open on a tractor lawn mower as he aimed the radar gun at speeders..."clever girl". Motorists would never suspect otherwise, and neither did I until I saw that he wasn't Mexican. That, and the radar gun in his hand was kind of a giveaway.

Other than that, not much to report. Just a satisfying 3 days this week and the new bike pedals seem to working just fine. The advanced weather outlook for next week appears to be quite favorable, so here's hoping I get in plenty of riding time!

Worth A Thousand Words

2011-08-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

Recently I've grown a bit tired of taking traditional-type pictures, later to be made slightly artsy via Photoshop, and have been searching for new, different project ideas to explore and get more creative with. Since I am generally too lazy to think up an entirely original idea, I have decided to attempt/mimic three different popular photo project ideas I've seen floating around on the Internet.

The first is called "light painting", in which a stationary camera on a tripod, set with a long exposure time, takes a photograph at night or in a darkened room. The only source of light comes from a hand-held light source, such as an LED flashlight or colored light pen, which ones moves around in front of the lens. The light source can be used to selectively illuminate objects within the frame or "paint" a picture with the light trail. Here is an example of light painting, my first attempt at doing so:

The second and third project ideas are much less technical and more of a straightforward, nostalgic nature. One I call "dear photograph", modeled off the idea from the website of the same name, is where you take a physical photograph from the past and take a new picture of it today. Kind of like Inception's "dream within a dream" concept, this photo within a photo must be taken in the same location as the original.

Matching up landmarks, buildings, structures, et cetera, in the current space with that of those in the original photograph is key. But unlike the official website of this concept, I don't believe in attaching sentimental, sappy captions to the newly created images in order to gain favoritism and empathy. The photographic works should speak for themselves, and here is one such example, which is also my blog's current "photo of the month" for August, that I've created:

The last is called "young me, now me", where one takes an old photo from many years ago and attempts to recreate the image now, in the present. The goal is to achieve the same pose, facial expression, location, and sometimes even the same clothing as the original. The original photo is then positioned side by side with the newly created reenactment so that the passage of time can be easily apparent. Here is such an example of one that I did, and to date, it is my most favorite of all the project photos I have taken. Credit goes to my dad, who actually took the picture.

So there you have it, those are the three photography projects I am currently juggling on and off again in my free time and hope to explore a bit more in depth, especially the technically challenging light painting. As always, I will update my progress further down the line.

Listless Lists: More Dangerous Than An East Coast Earthquake

2011-08-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

1. Washington politicians

2. Hurricane Irene

3. Me, with a box of matches and plenty of time to waste

4. Experiencing a rare snowfall on the west coast or down south

5. Paula Deen's cooking

6. Taxi drivers

7. This quickly spreading rash on my left arm

8. Waiting more than 5 seconds to pick up food off the floor and eat it

9. Shopping at a Walmart after 9pm

10. Getting one's necktie caught in the paper shredder

11. Sticking a fork in an electrical outlet
12. A real earthquake, like the 9.0 magnitude one that tragically struck Japan earlier this year

Bike Log: Week 15

2011-08-20T10:00:00.002-05:00

Ah, another successful week of biking it to work! A solid four days in a row, two of which were quite eventful.

The current trend of beautiful weather continued on, granting me quite pleasant conditions in which to ride my bike Monday through Thursday; Friday I had the day off from work.

On Monday's return trip home, I was almost hit by a car again, and this incident was probably the closest a car has ever been to actually coming in contact with me or my bike. Like always, I was legitimately crossing an intersection while in the designated crosswalk. I was in plain sight, dead center, and the driver coming up to the stop sign apparently didn't see me there somehow, so she wasn't slowing to a halt before the crosswalk lines.

You know why she didn't see me? Because she was too damn busy glancing down at her fucking cell phone.

In typical fashion, I yelled out, she slammed on the brakes, and barely missed sideswiping my rear tire, knocking me off my bike and sending me flying into oncoming traffic. She looked genuinely sorry for almost hitting me and tried apologizing for her transgression. I told her that she didn't know what "sorry" was, and that she wouldn't be until she actually hits someone. Oh, and this all took place directly across from a police station too.

Thursday was the other eventful day, with my left foot pedal breaking in half in the middle of my morning ride. I had mentioned last week that I slightly damaged it on a curb, but didn't think it was too serious. It really wasn't, but apparently a week's worth of use was enough wear and tear to cause the plastic pedal to snap completely in half at the pivot point and fall off. Here's a picture:

I made do with the half pedal until that afternoon, when on my return trip home, I took a 1.5 mile course deviation over to the specialty shop where I had purchased my bicycle a few years back. The one associate there hooked me up with a pair of similar looking replacement pedals (because apparently, they're not sold individually) for about $20. He even attached the new pedals for me free of charge; how's that for customer service!?

So that was my exciting week 15. Hopefully, future weeks won't be quite as negatively momentous as this one was.

Listless Lists: First World Problems

2011-08-17T10:15:00.000-05:00

1. My wallet is uncomfortable to sit on because there's so much money in it

2. The automatic doors at Trader Joe's were broken, so I couldn't enter and buy myself some Paneer Tikka Masala

3. The water temperature in my in-ground pool is only at 80 degrees

4. Got my car's oil changed at the Acura dealership and there was no complimentary Starbucks coffee left in the waiting area

5. Porn site doesn't have animated thumbnails for its videos

6. Summer home in the Hamptons has a musty smell when I first get there

7. The TV remote broke, so now I have to get up every time I want to change the channel on my 60" plasma

8. I can't get my laptop to connect to the free WiFi at Panera

9. I dropped my iPod in water. Now it won't work and I have to use my smartphone as my mp3 player instead

10. My new 800 thread count sheets don't fit my king-sized bed properly so now I have to make an extra trip just to return them

11. The electricity went out and I can't Tivo all the shows I'm missing
12. I pressed "0" one too many times on the ATM and withdrew $1,000 instead of just $100

Bike Log: Week 14

2011-08-13T16:56:00.001-05:00

Hands down, without a doubt, this was the best week of riding my bike to work yet! Why? For two reasons, the beautiful weather and the fact that for the first time all summer, I managed to successfully ride all 5 days in a work week! An accomplishment to be proud of, that's for sure.

My 5 day bike riding achievement can be attributed in large part, as I said, to the glorious weather we had this week. Other than a spot of rain I narrowly beat out on my return trip home on Monday, every day this week was otherwise sunny, comfortably in the high 70s to mid 80s temperature range, and low in humidity. It was the most ideal bike riding conditions I've experienced thus far and it allowed me to accomplish a feat I thought to be forever elusive.

My success can also be partly attributed to the fact that I had no doctor appointments, or other commitments, this week that required me to utilize my car after work.

Each day's bike ride was for the most part uneventful. I did notice that the tires were running low on air, something I will easily take care of next week, and I partially damaged the left foot petal. I had jumped a curb in order to ride around some walking pedestrians and it appears that the bottom of the pedal hit the curb on the jump and cracked the plastic a bit. Nothing too serious to worry about, and still completely functional.

I doubt I will achieve another 5 days straight of bike riding to work, but as long as I managed to at least reach that goal once, then that's good enough for me.

Another DMV Debacle

2011-08-12T11:37:00.002-05:00

It's been over a year since I moved into my current apartment and I had yet to update the address on my driver's license. I thought the other week was finally a good time to stop procrastinating and get that done, so I jaunted on over to the local DMV to get it taken care of.

At the front desk I was issued a number for waiting in line and was surprisingly called right away. I guess there isn't a huge backlog of people waiting to change the info on their licenses. So I went right up to the counter, produced two forms of evidence with my "new" address on it, and the guy typed it all in. I signed the sheet he gave me, went over to the cashier, paid the reasonable fee of $5, and waited for the guy at the photo counter to call my name.

I was initially under the impression that because I was changing my address that they would have to issue me a whole new ID, requiring that a new photo be taken. But I guess with the new licenses and the advanced technological machines they use now, taking a new photo isn't necessary.

My updated license was handed to me after a few minutes and I was all done within 15 minutes flat. Or so I thought.

When I got back to my car, I looked at my license and saw that they had spelled the new street name wrong by transposing two of the letters. Of course! Going to the DMV is never that quick and easy! I should have known better, especially after my prior visit when I had address issues regarding my vehicle registration renewal.

I went back inside and told the woman at the front desk that they got my license wrong, so she directed me back to the correct counter and surprisingly once again, I was taken right away. I explained to the woman at the counter that I was just there not five minutes ago and that they had gotten the street name wrong.

The guy working at the counter next to her felt a little awkward because he was the one that had typed it in wrong, a stupid error on his part and he should feel rightfully embarrassed about it. The street name is pretty straightforward; it isn't difficult to spell and it was listed there correctly on the two other forms of ID I had given him.

In typical DMV employee style, the woman blamed me for the address on the license being wrong, saying that I should have checked the form before I signed it. Well excuse me for assuming that a DMV employee knew how to type and spell correctly! I shouldn't have to double check to make sure that the employee isn't a moron and is doing their job correctly.

Regardless, she reentered the street name and I did resolve to checking everything over this time because having to deal with the aggravation of coming back yet again wasn't worth it. Luckily, I didn't have to pay another $5 fee, nor should I have to, and I had my re-corrected license back in another few minutes.

Doing their job again for them, I checked over the physical license to make sure it was all correct and that I wasn't being screwed over. All was copacetic and I left for the second time that day.

All in all, despite the duplicate trip, I probably spent no more than 30 total minutes there, which still makes it my shortest trip into a DMV facility yet. Sadly, it was also my least irritating trip too.

Listless Lists: Things The Homeless Guy In The Alley Left Behind

2011-08-10T13:11:00.000-05:00

1. A fresh sample of fecal matter

2. His backpack filled with old newspapers and stolen food crumbs

3. A pack of smokes, soaked in what is most likely urine

4. Framed picture of his deceased wife and estranged daughter

5. Syringe filled with odd, antifreeze-colored fluid

6. Ziplock bag full of random hair clippings

7. A large coffee cup filled partially with Boone's Farm

8. Tattered blanket, riddled with stains

9. A few decaying teeth he yanked out himself

10. A nonfunctional, second generation iPod

11. Self-made sock puppets

Bike Log: Week 13

2011-08-06T15:34:00.000-05:00

I managed to ride my bike to work 3 days this week, which isn't bad and is a nice improvement over last week's sad total of only 2 days. Besides, 3 days a week is about what I was averaging before I had that recent hot streak.

Monday was a no-go since I had an appointment with an ENT (ears, nose, and throat) specialist right after work.

Tuesday's bike ride was a bit hot and humid, much like the ninety-degree days experienced two weeks ago. Luckily, the morning was overcast, so that helped keep the heat and sweating down to a minimum.

Wednesday and Thursday both had glorious weather to ride one's bike in. Sunny, mid 80s, low humidity, and a gentle breeze; it was absolutely perfect. Also on Wednesday, I passed by the police again in the cemetery section who had set up their hidden speed trap once more for motorists. This time, I unfortunately forgot to ask the officer with the radar gun to see how fast I was going on my bike.

Friday I had another doctor's appointment after work, so I didn't ride my bike once again. Actually, it was less of a visit with my doctor and more just having a CT scan of my sinuses performed. Yes, I am a sickly individual and these numerous doctor visits of late are beginning to eat into my bike riding days.

If it wasn't for the two appointments I had this week, I believe I could have actually made it all 5 days in a row, and that would have made it my first full week of riding my bike to work. C'est la vie!

Issued In Error

2011-08-05T13:13:00.001-05:00

About a month ago, I received an envelope in the mail from the City of Chicago's Department of Revenue. Immediately, I knew that whatever the contents were, it couldn't be good. I don't live within the city and there's no reason why I should be getting a letter from one of their departments in the first place.

Inside was a violation notice stating that I owed $25 for a parking ticket I had received back in June. The problem? I was never actually issued a parking ticket, nor had I ever been to the address they said my car was parked and ticketed in front of.

The violation notice stated specifically that my car was parked in some ghetto south suburb of the city, on a Monday night around 1:30am, and that my car was parked "in the wrong direction or 12 inches from the curb". I had to look the address up on Google Maps, because I had no clue where it was, and even Google couldn't find the correct location!

The violation was obviously issued in error and while $25 isn't that big of a fine, I still shouldn't have to pay it regardless. Luckily, one can contest a parking ticket by mail so that is what I did. I wrote a very professional letter stating my case, setting up a defense, and proving that my car was anywhere but where they said it was when it got ticketed.

In the letter, I also requested a copy of this so-called ticket I was supposedly issued, because I had never seen/received it before, and I had a right to possess a copy of it. Then, I included at the end of the letter the signatures of two parties that can attest to my whereabouts that night, and got it all stamped and signed by a notary to make it very official. I mailed it off later in that same week and didn't expect to hear back from the city for awhile.

But lo and behold! Just last week, I got a rather timely response back from the Department of Revenue. After reviewing the facts, an Administrative Law Judge came to a determination that the violation did not occur and that I was not responsible for the fine. Chalk up a win for me!

So that settles that, they basically admitted that I was issued the violation in error and that somewhere in the process someone screwed something up. Or did they? Maybe this was all a secret ploy by the city of Chicago to make extra money. They randomly generate license plate numbers and issue certain motorists bogus tickets and violations, hoping that they won't go through the effort to contest it and just pay the meager fine.

Everyone knows how corrupt and strapped for cash Chicago is, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Regardless, I was successfully able to put another needless aggravation to rest and it all provided me with a decent story to tell.

Listless Lists: Creepy Compliments

2011-08-03T13:39:00.000-05:00

1. Wow, you look skinny! Skinny enough to fit in my trunk

2. You are the only person I have masturbated to in the last week

3. I like your eye...sockets

4. My, you clean up well! Just like a corpse at the morgue

5. You should be a model; I already collect all your pictures

6. I bet you're more fun to have sex with when you're awake

7. You're too pretty to murder with a pipe

8. That outfit looks good on you, and so would I

9. Your panties smell much better with you in them

10. I love your voice, but I bet it sounds even better when you scream
11. Your skin is so smooth; feels just like my shaved nutsack
12. You look a lot better up close, in person, than you do through the binoculars I regularly watch you with

Bike Log: Week 12

2011-07-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

Well, it couldn't last forever. My successful streak has finally come to an end this week after only managing to ride my bike to work just 2 measly days this round.

Monday's weather was pleasant, providing me with quite an enjoyable, and uneventful, bicycle ride to and from work. Tuesday was another absolutely gorgeous day out; temperatures in the mid 80s, low humidity, and clear skies. You couldn't ask for more perfect weather to ride one's bike in.

Wednesday I utilized my car as transportation instead, mainly due to a number or errands I had to run after work and the need to haul a few items in my car's trunk.

Thursday it was raining in the morning and the rest of the day was plagued with intermittent showers, therefore no bike ride. And Friday, I took the day off from work.

So really, I only had 4 days total in which I could've ridden my bike, and 2 out of 4 isn't all that bad. I probably could have made at least 3 days if I had postponed my errands on Wednesday, but regardless, my streak would've been broken anyway.

Not every week can be a successful one, but as the summer goes on and as I continue to ride, I'm sure I'll experience plenty more fulfilling weeks of bike riding.

Development Hell

2011-07-28T22:38:00.001-05:00

Almost two years ago, back in September and October of 2009, I wrote three blog posts on the subject of Chicago's old post office building and the new, questionably shady owner of the aging 2.5 million square foot structure that straddles over the highway.

British developer Bill Davies, a man with many controversial property purchases and failed development projects in his past, originally bought the property for around $40 million at auction. Then, multiple deadlines passed and Davies failed to officially close on the property, effectively backing out of the deal altogether. The U.S. Postal Service held a second auction to determine a replacement owner, but Bill Davies was allowed to bid again and he won again, but this time at a cost of around $24 million, almost half as much as before.

In this go around, he closed on the property immediately and became the lawful owner of the old post office. A secret ploy to pay less for the property and still come out the winner? Without a doubt. Since then, things had been pretty quiet in regards to both the building and its new owner, until this month.

Just last week, Bill Davies unveiled an overly-ambitious plan to develop the building, and the surrounding area, into a massive amount of residential, retail, office, and hotel space within the next 10 years. A three phase project with an expected cost of $3.5 billion (of which he has only secured enough funding to complete the 1st phase) would not only see renovation of the post office building, but expansion onto three adjacent sites as well.

Those sites are a vacant lot, a current Holiday Inn hotel, and a lot known as the "Sugar House" property. Davies apparently has the rights to buy each of those additional properties, but has yet to close on any of them. Sound familiar?

The post office would become primarily retail stores and hotel rooms with an indoor parking garage. Another, new hotel would be built on the Holiday Inn site and the empty lot would become two, 60-story residential towers. The "grandest" part of his plan concerns the Sugar House property, where Davies intends to build a towering 2,000 foot, 120-story skyscraper. That would make it the tallest building in Chicago and in all of North America.

Obviously, Bill Davies is unaware of the current state of the economy in this country and in the rest of the world. A project of this magnitude and vision would've been successful maybe 15 years ago, but today it doesn't have a chance in hell. His ideas are more ill-conceived than those attempted for retail block 37 and the defunct Chicago Spire skyscraper.

No one, absolutely no one is going to invest in a project that calls for tons of retail, office, and residential space such as this. Especially when there are plenty of current buildings in the downtown area already with massive vacancy issues, such as the Sears (Willis) Tower and the new Trump tower which sits more than half unoccupied.

This weakened economy isn't going to get better any time soon, the real estate market continues on life support, and the retail industry is walking on thin ice. None of these sectors are going to improve in the next 10 years to the point that would warrant a development such as this to be constructed or yield it to be fruitful.

Bill Davies continues to prove just how out of sync he is with the rest of the world. Only an incompetent moron would think, even for a second, that a mediocre development plan like this would ever get off the ground. It's no wonder why so many of his past development projects have failed or just have sat around for decades without any progress.

The plan for the old post office site here in Chicago is sadly just becoming another failed vision to add to his "never going to happen" list.

Source: Chicago Tribune

Listless Lists: Amy Winehouse Jokes

2011-07-27T13:30:00.001-05:00

1. They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said...thud

2. What was Amy Winehouse’s biggest hit? Her last one

3. Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse’s funeral with a beautiful rendition of "Candle Under The Spoon"

4. What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive with coke

5. Congrats To Amy Winehouse! This is the longest she has ever been sober

6. What do Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson have in common? They both had a 10-year-old crack addiction

7. What's the difference between February and Amy Winehouse? February makes it to 28

8. Amy Winehouse bumps into Princess Diana at the pearly gates, she asks Diana “why is your halo black?” Diana said, “Amy you're obviously still off your rocker...this is a steering wheel”

9. It seems Amy Winehouse’s manager is unfazed by the news of her death, he said, “I’m not sure it’ll make much difference to her performance.”

10. I would say that all these jokes are over the line, but she probably already snorted it

Bike Log: Week 11

2011-07-23T15:03:00.001-05:00

This was a brutal week. But despite the unrelenting heat wave, I still managed to tough it out and keep my streak going by completing a 5th straight week of riding my bike to work 4 days in a row.

I finally got to ride my bike on a Monday again. The morning wasn't too hot, due to the overcast skies shielding the ground from the glaring sun, making this one of the more pleasant days to the week. Tuesday's bike ride to work caused me to sweat a decent amount in the morning, but that's why I always bring a change of clothes and deodorant. Oddly enough though, I found the afternoon ride back home easier, despite the still sweltering temps in the mid 90s.

On Wednesday I faced riding my bike in record temperatures, with the high reaching around 98 degrees and with a heat index making it feel more like 110. The morning ride was a bit easier than Tuesday's, but the return trip home was rough.

Also on Wednesday, I almost got hit by a car again. Both me and the vehicle were traveling northbound, I had the "walk" signal at the intersection and had entered the crosswalk when the driver attempted to make a right hand turn in front of me and cut me off. I yelled at her, "Learn to drive, you moron!" to which she rolled down her window and shouted back at me, blaming me for being in the wrong.

It's quite simple really, once I have entered that crosswalk, motorists yield to me, not the other way around. Even on a bicycle, I am still a pedestrian and pedestrians have the right of way. If she had indeed hit me while I was trying to cross the street in a designated area for doing so, she would have been, without a doubt, completely at fault.

Despite that unpleasant encounter the day before, Thursday was actually the worst day of the week. The high temperature was officially 100 degrees and the heat index made it feel like the surface of Mercury. There were hardly any clouds in the sky, leaving the punishing sun to make the bike ride in the afternoon especially excruciating. Drenched completely in sweat, and totally exhausted, I had no energy left for anything else that day.

Friday I had a doctor's appointment during the morning hours, therefore there was no bike ride to work.

So, I survived riding my bike a few days in the extreme heat. Other than perspiring a lot and being generally exhausted, I never felt any ill-effects from the high temps. No such bouts of dizziness, dehydration, heat stroke, or any other dangerous afflictions were ever experienced.

Listless Lists: Ways To Beat The Heat

2011-07-20T16:26:00.001-05:00

1. Fans. Lots of fans. At least twelve of them within a five foot radius.

2. Sneak into your neighbor's swimming pool at night

3. Become friends with Mr. Freeze and hang out at his lair

4. Pull a David Blaine and encase yourself in a giant block of ice

5. Don't wear any clothes, go naked everywhere

6. Take all the food and shelves out of refrigerator, sit inside and close the door

7. A functioning A/C unit seems to work fairly well

8. Staying cool shouldn't be a problem with that ice-cold heart of yours

9. Whatever you do, don't drink milk...it is a bad choice
10. Take a long, cold shower...like you did when you found out that woman was in fact a dude

The Hawaii Chair

2011-07-18T21:09:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I posted about some ridiculously pointless infomercial product, so I made sure to make today's featured item a good one. It's called the Hawaii Chair and it's just another piece of junk in a long line of of preposterous home exercise devices.

Basically, it's like a swivel desk chair, but inverted. Via a motor, the chair seat does all the swiveling for you in a endless, circular motion. It's less of a Hawaiian chair and more like a communistic one...in Soviet Russia, chair swivels you!

Like all home exercise devices with their own infomercial, the appeal here is aimed at those that are unmotivated to exercise normally by themselves and need a device to do all the work for them while they continue being lazy.

Apparently the Hawaii Chair product is a few years old, but it's relatively new to me, having just discovered it within the past month. The official website for the product no longer exists, though you can still purchase one from the manufacturer's website, Perfect USA, which seems to offer a slew of other unintentionally sexual exercise and massage devices.

Speaking of which, why does almost every home exercise device featured in an infomercial always inadvertently end up having sexual connotations...Shake Weight anyone?

A different version of the chair can also be bought from ib3 Health, which is more appropriately titled as the Hula Chair, since the hula dance is the sole concept the device is derived from. Honestly though, any rational human can see that a chair with a constantly swiveling seat is not the best way to exercise one's abs or ass muscles.

It is however, the best way to look like a moron at work. How can you take someone seriously if they're using a Hawaii Chair at their desk? It makes the person sitting in it look like they have Parkinson's or like they have to desperately go to the bathroom but have opted to "hold it in" for a bit longer. Not to mention how difficult it actually would be to type or write coherently while one's fat ass swivels away all day.

But not too fat; the chair only supports obese people up to 300 pounds.

Bike Log: Week 10

2011-07-16T13:47:00.000-05:00

Unbelievable! This week became the 4th time in a row that I've managed to ride my bike to work for 4 straight days! I've been utilizing the bike so much that it hardly feels like an effort anymore; it's more like just another ordinary routine by now.

I still don't seem to have much luck with riding my bike on Mondays. Within the past four weeks, one Monday was a holiday and the other three Mondays, including this week, were all inundated with thunderstorms and heavy rain. So once again, all my bike riding days were Tuesday through Friday.

On Tuesday I was especially glad that I rode my bike to work, for part of my regular route was completely closed down to automobile traffic due to fire hydrant flushing, which seemed like a bullshit reason to me. That little stretch of three closed-off blocks had car traffic backed up a great deal. Being on my bicycle though, I was able to cut right on through and laugh at all the irritated motorists.

Wednesday probably had the most perfect weather for riding one's bike, and Thursday and Friday were both pleasantly uneventful treks into work.

Side notes: I had to oil the chain on my bike, for it was losing lubrication and becoming noisy with squeaks, and the treads on my rear tire are starting to look worn, but I'm sure it'll still survive the rest of the summer.

Also, I'm pretty sure all this bike riding has allowed me to knock off a few pounds and tighten up some previously weak leg muscles. The advantages just keep piling up!

Next week is going to be brutal though, with predicted temperatures to be in the low 90s every single day. It's going to be quite the challenge, but I'm sure I'll handle it just fine.

Listless Lists: Early Internet Memories

2011-07-13T14:17:00.000-05:00

1. Dial-up modem sounds

2. Splashy Geocities-based web pages

3. Pop-up ads didn't exist yet

4. Free AOL discs in the mail

5. Spam email was new and still believable as being legit

6. Being accosted by creepy people in chat rooms

7. Getting disconnected when someone used the phone

8. The hamster dance meme

9. Leaving computer on all night just to download 10 songs off Napster

10. Paying by the minute for usage

11. No longer needing to go to the library to conduct research

12. Using the best search engine ever, AltaVista

13. Attempting to open a pornographic picture that loads slowly and then freezes just before it reveals the breasts

ICANN Has More Internets?

2011-07-11T19:22:00.001-05:00

In March, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers expanded the field of allowable website domain names to finally include the controversial ".xxx" suffix, which was obviously geared toward usage by the industry of online pornography.

But as I mentioned in my previous post, when I first discussed this new expansion, the addition of the singular ."xxx" domain was only the beginning. As of last month, ICANN has fulfilled their long-publicized promise to open up the world of domain names even further, allowing for virtually limitless possibilities of mind-boggling variance.

Soon websites will be permitted to end in practically any word and in any language, including scripts. All a certain group has to do is come up with the $185,000 application fee and agree to adhere to a 360 page guidebook.

ICANN states that one of the main driving points behind this decision was that it will allow businesses and corporations to better brand themselves and their products online, like Apple using ".ipad" or a whole type of industry all ending their websites in ".bank" or ".music".

Sure, it might makes some things easier and actually work out well for some legit businesses and organizations, but ICANN is going to have a lot to handle now that the world of domain names is potentially infinite. How will they manage to police and restrict the almost certain overload of some individuals from abusing this new system? Have they considered that it might have the opposite effect, making specific things or places more difficult to find on the Internet and make searching much more aggravating to the average user?

I don't think the domain name expansion is a totally good idea, but unfortunately the decision has been made and it's been inevitable for quite some time now. I just think at this point, it would have been a better strategy to ease into things, slowly adding more manageable blocs of specific domains over time instead of just opening the entire field all at once.

Only time will tell how well, or how badly, this will all pan out and I have a feeling it's going to be quite a while before any massive changes start to become apparent.

Source: Chicago Tribune

Bike Log: Week 9

2011-07-08T19:26:00.000-05:00

I'm on a roll!

This week marks the 3rd time in a row that I've managed to ride my bike to work for 4 straight days! It took a good while but now it finally feels like I'm hitting some sort of stride.

With Monday being the Independence Day holiday, I had the day off and did not utilize my bicycle. So then, from Tuesday on through Friday, I rode my bike to work each day and completed another uneventful, but successful week.

Weather was pretty consistent throughout; practically mid 80s all week, sunny for the most part, and never a valid threat of rain. Will ideal conditions hold up long enough for me to go at least another 4 days next week for a 4th straight time? Knowing my luck, I doubt it, but here's hoping.

Listless Lists: Why I Haven't Responded To Your Texts

2011-07-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

1. I just don't like you

2. Um, my phone battery died...yea, that's it...it died completely

3. Didn't know what to say to your request for "a jar of turtle dicks"

4. Believe it or not, I've actually been busy with more important things

5. I have your number blocked

6. My phone was on silent, didn't see your texts until now...3 days later

7. Tending to my stab wound seems more urgent at the moment

8. I get no reception at this party that everyone but you was invited to

9. My phone fell into the snake pit at the zoo and got swallowed whole

10. I fell asleep. Yes, I know it was only 7pm, but I was uber tired

11. People generally frown upon texting during a funeral

12. I'm intentionally ignoring you because the sex last night was terrible and degrading

Bike Log: Week 8

2011-07-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

Well, would you look at that. This was the second week in a row (and second time total) that I was able to ride my bike to work for 4 straight days.

Just like last week, Monday had a rainy morning and severe storms were predicted for the early afternoon, so I didn't ride my bike. Of course though, those severe thunderstorms never manifested. Tuesday had serene and pleasant weather, providing me with an uneventful bike ride to and from work.

Wednesday was another uneventful bike ride, and albeit a bit warmer on Thursday, it was yet another uneventful excursion on my bicycle. Although, I think I saw a fox sneak through the cemetery on that day...that was about it.

Friday was abound with heat advisories and warnings that it would be the hottest day of the year, with temps to reach around 98 degrees and a heat index that would push it well over 100. I ignored the threats of the seldom wrong weather forecasters and rode my bike to work anyway. Besides, it's not the heat that bothers me really, just the rain, and sometimes the wedgies I get from sitting on that unforgiving bicycle seat.

But lo and behold, the forecasters were dead wrong! The heavily overcast morning skies kept temps in the low 70s and the day only climbed to a high of 89 degrees. It appears the forecasters grossly misjudged and over-hyped the conditions for the day.

Regardless of all that weather nonsense, I can chalk up this week as being another thrilling success! It's been 8 weeks total now, that's two continuous months. Looks like those who thought I would abandon this endeavor quickly were dead wrong. I have enough determination to keep this up until at least the end of September.

Listless Lists: Why A Squirrel Is Trying To Get Into My Apartment

2011-06-29T13:41:00.000-05:00

1. Has evil plot to kill me in my sleep

2. I accidentally left out an open can of peanuts

3. Because it is a rodent, and rodents just like to be pests

4. I stole his acorn, he wants it back

5. Wants me to apologize for my racist comment (squirrel was black)

6. He finds the vibration of my window A/C unit comforting

7. Is confusing me with my neighbor, who owns the cat that is his archenemy

8. Wants to build a nest above my stove

9. Thinks the stuffed squirrel on my shelf is alive, wants to help it escape

10. His wife kicked him out, needs a place to stay

11. Because I ran over his friend with my car...repeatedly...on purpose

Oscars Change Again

2011-06-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

It seems like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences just can't make up its mind lately. Two years ago, they decided to expand the Academy Award's Best Picture category from 5 total nominees to a bloated 10. Now they're retooling that change yet again.

They've decided that the Best Picture category will now vary to include anywhere from 5-10 total nominees. Which means in any given year, there might be 6 nominees, or maybe 9, perhaps 7. It's now a tweaked system whose total range will constantly be different each awards season, probably all dependent on the severity of how bad the current year in film was.

Why the change again? Who the hell knows. It's impossible to fathom the Academy's reasoning anymore. The only thing that remains certain is that no matter what the Academy's board of governors do to shake-up their archaic system, it won't work to their advantage. The desperation to regain relevance is palpable.

I've written to death about these Oscar changes before and my opinions of them. I won't go over it all again; after this change I've lost all ability to really care anymore. But in case you have time or brain cells to waste, you can read my past rants on the subject here, and here, and here.

Bike Log: Week 7

2011-06-24T19:43:00.001-05:00

Well, I finally did it! In a week that provided the slimmest of chances to do so, I managed to ride my bike to work 4 days this week, attaining my goal at last!

At the beginning of the week, I honestly didn't think I'd be able to even get 2 days in because of the bleak weather forecasts, but everything worked out perfectly and I succeeded in dodging all the threats of rain.

Monday was not a good start to the week. The rain and thunderstorms that morning kept me from riding my bike and diminished my hopes for the coming days.

Tuesday I sweat my ass off on the morning and evening bike ride, thoroughly soaking my shirt. I faced no rain despite the threat of inclement weather being predicted for the entire day.

Wednesday was cooler with the threat of rain once again present, rain that never manifested itself, at least not during either of my biking treks that day. Thursday was another cool day and I still rode my bike despite more possible scattered showers predicted. I did endure a light, misty sprinkle of rain on the bike ride home, but it was hardly of any significance.

Friday was the fifth straight day of overcast skies, but there was no rain actually predicted for the day. Therefore, I undeniably chose to ride my bike so I could reach that goal of mine, which had previously seemed just out of reach.

As a special note, the last time I filled up my car's gas tank was May 22nd...it's been over a month, and according to my in-dash computer, I can still drive another 150 miles before having to fill up again. Normally, I would be filling up my tank every 1.5-2 weeks. So obviously my plan to ride my bike to work as a money-saving technique is "paying" off.

Listless Lists: Why Ryan Dunn Died In A Car Crash

2011-06-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

1. He was driving drunk with a BAC more than twice the legal limit

2. Was speeding at around 130mph

3. Damn deer came out of nowhere, swerved to avoid it

4. Well, Porsche cars aren't known for having the best of safety features

5. Got distracted by the burrito he dropped in his lap

6. Was a stunt for the next "Jackass" film that went terribly wrong

7. Someone had cut the brake line

8. Was engaged in tickle fight with passenger, lost control of the wheel

9. Asphalt was covered in some type of slick, oil-like substance

10. Took his upcoming movie role, a slacker who returns from the dead as a perverted ghost, a little too far

Silence Is Golden

2011-06-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

One of my biggest pet peeves, which I also share with many other people, is how annoying it is to pay good money to go to the movie theater, only to have the experience ruined by some inconsiderate twat that doesn't know how to put the cell phone away.

Talking, texting, checking emails...whatever it is, the only thing that should be glowing in the darkness of the theater is the movie screen, not someone's cellphone.

While most theaters now kindly display a PSA before the movie previews, urging patrons to silence their phones, the establishments do little else to reprimand those who are being a constant disturbance. It usually takes a good number of complaints from other customers before a manager will finally step in, and even then, they scold in the nicest way possible, afraid to piss off even one moviegoer, no matter how big of an ass they're being.

But wait, what's this? A wild movie theater with a backbone appears!

Alamo Drafthouse, a small cinema chain with locations mostly in Texas, recently kicked out a patron at one of its theaters for texting on her cell phone during the film. After having been given two warnings to stop, employees followed company policy and swiftly ejected her from the premise without a refund.

Well, it appears that the customer was so upset at being "wrongfully" ejected, she called the cinema's head office and left a lengthy voicemail, complaining about her mistreatment. Little did she know that the cinema doesn't care about her unwarranted dissatisfaction, and that all along she was just providing the chain with some juicy material to use.

The theater took the raw audio of that woman's voicemail, and turned it into their newest "Don't Talk or Text" PSA shown before all R-rated movies, making it the best theater PSA since "Inconsiderate Cell Phone Man". Check and mate.

Here it is:

To quote the chain's owner, Tim League, " If you can’t change your behavior and be quiet (or un-illuminated) during a movie, then we don’t want you at our venue. Follow our rules, or get the hell out and don’t come back until you can."

Way to show those discourteous cell phone users who's the boss. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Source: indieWIRE

Bike Log: Week 6

2011-06-18T11:55:00.000-05:00

I'm going to keep these short from now on; they're starting to get a bit redundant.

Monday's weather was cool, but sunny and pleasant. My bike ride to work was quite uneventful. Tuesday was a bit warmer, but still below average temperatures. My bike ride that day was uneventful as well.

Wednesday was plagued with thunderstorms and intermittent rain all day long; therefore, no bike ride. Thursday morning the rain had stopped just in time, and despite a forecast with a 40% chance of rain throughout the day, I took the risk and rode my bike to work anyway. The skies cleared by mid-morning and it didn't rain again all day.

Friday I took the day off from work.

So, chalk up another mildly successful week of riding my bike to work. I managed another 3 days this time, although, I'm sure that if I hadn't taken Friday off, I could've achieved my elusive 4 days a week goal. Oh well, I'll get there eventually.

Listless Lists: LeBron James Jokes

2011-06-15T16:15:00.000-05:00

1. Why can't LeBron make change for $1? Because he can never come up with that final quarter.

2. It's a good thing LeBron didn't go to college. He would have skipped the finals anyway.

3. Today is "LeBron James Day". Everyone gets to leave work 12 minutes early.

4. LeBron chokes in the playoffs, and his mom chokes on Delonte West!

5. What does LeBron and his dad have in common? They both disappear when times get tough.

6. Why did LeBron James get an automatic transmission in his car? Because he's not good in the clutch.

7. Why does LeBron only get served boneless buffalo wings? Because he has a tendency to choke.

8. What’s the difference between Mike Tyson and LeBron? Tyson never bit off more than he could chew.

9. What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? Saturn has rings.

10. If LeBron wanted a ring, he should have stayed in Cleveland and bought one from Terrelle Pryor.

Converging Occurrences

2011-06-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at my computer one night last week, around 11:30pm, when I heard this sudden, metal banging noise. It was the kind of sound a freight train makes when it stops and all the cars bunch up together, and at first, that's what I thought it was.

But the train tracks are a good block away and this disturbance originated much closer. After a while, I realized that the noise came from the alleyway and that it was from the dumpsters situated there. I put some pants on and went out to the back porch to see what I could spy.

Of the three trash receptacles belonging to the building, one dumpster was wheeled all the way into the middle of the street, the second was blocking half the sidewalk, and the third remained in the alleyway. The result of drunk hooligans pulling a prank, or mischievous teens acting like little pricks? Possibly...

But this is only one part to the story of that night; a totally unrelated event crossed paths with the dumpster incident, and thus two moments became intertwined. As I went down to the street to inspect the scene, a man dressed in casual business wear came walking by, stopped next to one of the dumpsters, and slapped a bumper sticker on it.

He then continued on walking and every so often, would slap another bumper sticker somewhere. It was a plain white design, with bold black letters that read "Skateboarding Used To Be A Crime". At the bottom, in smaller print, was a web address.

I was a little taken aback by his audacity to do this right in front of me, but at the same time I was extremely curious. My attention now diverted away from the rogue dumpsters, I discreetly followed the guy for a block to see what else he was slapping his bumper sticker onto.

I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think skateboarding really was ever a crime. It may be prohibited in certain areas, but certainly not against the law, as it really is just a mode of transportation not much different than a bicycle or roller blades.

Now, I am pretty sure that slapping an unauthorized sticker on other people's property is a crime, as that can be classified as a type of vandalism. It's definitely illegal when you place it on the side of a government owned mailbox. How ironic it all seemed...

I later attempted to visit the website he had listed on the sticker, only to be greeted with a generic page stating "This domain is under construction." I don't know about you, but if I was going to go out and attach a web address to some marketing materials, I would want to make sure the website is up and running before I advertise it. Fail.

So because of that, I have no clue what the meaning of the "skateboards" slogan was on those stickers and the purpose of this man's property defacement jaunt. Without the website to provide any further information, his whole effort was a waste; placing those stickers achieved absolutely nothing, other than providing me with an interesting story to tell.

Oh, and back to the mystery of the moved dumpsters. I found out the following morning, from a fellow apartment dweller, that a car had backed down the alley too fast and collided with the big metal receptacles. This is why the dumpsters were all askew; you hit one and it creates a domino effect.

He must have been going asininely fast, because the force of the collision was strong enough to smash out his back window. Little tinted shards of rear window glass are still laying about in the alley.

Bike Log: Week 5

2011-06-11T17:40:00.003-05:00

This week was another success, but a bit shy of my ultimate, and still elusive, goal.

Monday morning's bike ride found myself coming upon a massively coordinated speed trap set up in Forest Park. Part of my route is a street that has cemeteries bordering either side of it, and motorists usually like to speed through that stretch. Since I was traveling in the opposite direction of the speed trap flow, I passed by the Forest Park mall parking lot first where there were at least 5 cop cars who had each pulled over separate motorists.

By the time I got to the other end of the cemetery, there was a lone officer hiding around the corner of a crypt pointing a radar gun, radioing back to the other officers down the way which vehicles to pull over. I gave him a nod and asked him if he could use the radar gun to see how fast I was cycling. He obliged and let's just say that I was embarrassingly well under the posted 35mph speed limit.

Tuesday's temperatures reached a scorching high of 96 degrees, but that didn't stop me from mounting up. The morning ride wasn't too bad, but the return trip home was excruciating. The hot, glaring sun in the cloudless sky really did a number on me, as I was completely drenched in sweat by the time I got home. It was like I had jumped into a pool with all my clothes on.

Wednesday was just as hot, but more humid, so I found myself sweating even more, as if that was even possible. At least there was a decent breeze rolling through during the afternoon ride back.

Thursday's temps dropped almost 40 degrees after a storm front came through. It was downpours and thunderstorms all morning, so therefore no bike ride to work.

Friday was still cool and it was raining a bit in the morning again. More rain showers were possible in the early afternoon as well, so again, I opted out of riding my bike.

I made it three days this week, and they were three hellish days at that, mostly due to the heat I had to endure. And because I was able to handle the extreme temps fairly well, I deem this week to be my most satisfying yet.

Also, since I now fancy myself to be an avid cyclist, I found the video below to be especially amusing to me and decided to share it. I'm sure you'll find it enjoyable as well.

Connecticut Relaxes On Marijuana

2011-06-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

This week, Connecticut became the 13th state to decriminalize marijuana. But before you go and get baked in celebration, know that decriminalization doesn't mean that marijuana is no longer illegal.

It simply means that possessing the chronic is no longer considered to be a criminal offense; it will now be labeled as a simple civil offense. Though, marijuana is still illegal in every sense at the federal level.

Formerly, possession of less than a half-ounce of cannabis in Connecticut would've garnered one possible jail time, a $1,000 fine, and an active criminal record. Now, after the decriminalization, offenders caught with less than a half-ounce will only be slapped with a $150 fine for a first offense and that's it. No possible jail time, no criminal record, just a fine on par with a traffic violation.

The fine amount can increase up to a maximum of $500 for repeat offenses and if the individual is under 21, their driver's license can be suspended for 60 days as well, a consequence on par with drinking and driving laws.

Dannel Malloy, governor of Connecticut stated, "There is no question that the state’s criminal justice resources could be more effectively utilized for convicting, incarcerating and supervising violent and more serious offenders." He makes a good point, and at the same time, was smart to reiterated the fact that this law is in no way a type of endorsement for smoking reefer.

It is estimated that Connecticut could annually save over $800,000 in court costs and attorney fees and make as much as $1.4 million from the new fines and fees associated with the decriminalization.

All in all, this move is another small step in the right direction of completely legalizing marijuana someday. One by one, more states will follow in decriminalizing the ganja as well, and after a few more hurdles and some time, perceptions and laws will gradually change enough to make it illegal no more.

I'm not advocating the use of cannabis, for I detest those who use it just as much as I frown upon those that smoke regular cigarettes, but I do think it should be made legal solely so that governments can tax the hell out of it.

Make it legal, with certain restrictions just like on tobacco and alcohol (both of which are legal drugs), and tax it. It would bring in enormous amounts of additional revenue and certainly would help out states, like Illinois, that are strapped for cash. Here's a well-written TIME Magazine article, albeit 2 years old, that further explains why marijuana should be legalized and explores the many economic benefits of doing so.

Source: NBC Connecticut

Gawker

Listless Lists: Headlines For Congressman Weiner

2011-06-08T09:55:00.000-05:00

1. Weiner Out In The Open

2. Anthony Weiner Controversy "Hard To Swallow"

3. Weiner Goes Soft After Hard Public Beating

4. Weiner Bawls; Hard Up For Re-Erection

5. Boehner Keeps Mouth Shut On Weiner

6. Weiner Says He Has Solid Staff, Will Stick It Out

7. Weiner Holds Strong...Then Comes Up Short

8. Pressure On Weiner Unrelenting

9. Weiner Exposes Self, Comes Forth With Sticky Details

10. No Happy Ending For Weiner
11. Cover-Up Puts Weiner In Tight Spot

12. One Massive Boner; Weiner Scandal Erupts

13. Weiner Probe Reaches Climax

Bike Log: Week 4

2011-06-04T14:58:00.000-05:00

Man, I was so close! I almost managed to achieve my goal of riding my bike 4 days in a given week. How close did I get? 3.5 days to be exact.

3.5 days? How'd I figure that? Well, let me explain.

Monday was the Memorial Day holiday, therefore there was no work and no need to ride my bike.

Tuesday morning was an uneventful ride, but as soon as I left work that afternoon, it began to rain upon my immediate exit from the building. Initially I thought, "Meh, the rain is light enough...I'll just ride on through it." I got one block from work, before I got stuck by two slow moving freight trains. While waiting for those trains to pass, the light rainfall picked up to become a heavy downpour. Now soaking wet, I headed back to work where my kind co-worker gave me a ride home. By the time she dropped me and my bike off, the rain had stopped and blue skies had broken through. So this is why I factored in the half day.

Wednesday was an absolutely gorgeous day for riding my bike; high 70s and not a chance of rain all day.

Thursday morning was probably my best bike ride time yet at 26 minutes. This came not as a result of me riding at a fast pace, but was all due to the fact that I made every stop light and didn't have to wait for traffic at a single intersection.

On that afternoon's ride home, I was "almost" hit by a car. I was on the sidewalk a few blocks from my apartment when a car barreled out from the alleyway I was about to cross. There was no honk to signal his exit from the alley, nor was he driving cautiously or slow. I slammed on my bike's breaks and came to a stop about a foot away from the car's passenger side door. Luckily, I am a very attentive cyclist, even when on the sidewalk.

The driver was too busy looking the other way, at street traffic, and didn't notice I was there until I started yelling at him for almost hitting me. Upon going around the back side of his car, I yelled at him further and told him that I now have his license plate number and would be "watching him". I then continued on the rest of my way home.

Friday was humid and in the high 80s. The morning ride was fine, but I sweat my ass off on the way back.

So there you have it, my eventful, but also most successful week of riding my bike to work. If I had just waited 20 minutes for the rain to stop on Tuesday, then I could have still ridden my bike and achieved the full 4 day goal.

But I'll settle with 3.5. Still a damn good effort.